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Dear Me


asparkofcourage

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Dear younger me, 

I'd like to make peace with you and you to me as well. 

I didn't turn out like you thought I would.  It makes me feel disappointed in myself.  You thought that if you got yourself through that dark time that eventually, I would have a high paying job, take care of myself, move away and let the past go like it never happened.  A clean break, but that's not what has happened.  I'm  a stay at home wife depending on my husband to keep us up.  The opposite of independence. I have no career opportunities because the only thing I'm good at is singing and I'm too old now to jump in that ocean.  I know its your dream, but its just not feasible to do it in the way that you wanted.  I didn't move away from the people who hurt me.  I still see my abuser at family events and my parents have no clue still to this day.  But, hey! I did travel by myself to Las Vegas.  I know that made you so happy.  I could feel the pride all through my body.  I was a little nervous but I did it and I want to do it more.  I enjoyed feeling those things. 

Now on the flip side, part of me blames you for decisions you made that I'd like to move past.  Its like once you say it out loud you realize that its not a big deal or you're already over it.  So I need to clear the air and put it behind me. 

I hate that I'm more angry at you than the person who abused me.  I find myself thinking that maybe you could have handled it better.  I know rationally that thinking this way is cruel.  You were 9 years old with no emotional support or outside sources for help.  Why do I blame you for that? I need to be nicer to you.  I'm sorry.  The information and resources I have now were things that you didn't have access to. You were spending so much brain energy trying to keep yourself alive, I really shouldn't blame you for not doing better in school or perusing interests and hobbies.  Its hard to think about the future when the present could be lost in a moment.  I shouldn't blame you for not making more friends and being more sociable.  You honestly believed that you had no way out and you were just surviving everyday.  You had no hope. You are not at fault for any of this.  I want you to be at peace and let me (adult me) handle it from here.  I got this.  I want to make you happy.  That's why I'm going to try to do martial arts.  That's why I'm taking Japanese lessons so that I can travel there like you always wanted.  That is why I have way too many dogs.  I know it brings you comfort and makes you feel safe.  But if it helps, we are safe now.  You don't have to worry about it.  And if another monster finds its way into our life, I can take care of it.  I'll use my knowledge and your tenacity for survival and we'll be okay.  We'll be just fine.  In return, I hope you'll let me open up more.  To not fear being a normal human being with normal emotions.  It's okay to speak our mind, it's okay to argue with our husband (its not the end of the world), it's okay to be a little socially awkward.  It makes me quirky and more interesting honestly.  I think one reason its so hard for me to open up and put myself out there is because I was ashamed of my past and I didn't want anyone to see that part of my life, of myself.  But, I'm not ashamed of you and what you had to do to survive anymore. I'm not angry about any of it.  I'm proud of you for getting me here. You did so much for me without realizing it.  Lets not run away from being me, from showing me to people.  Let's not be overwhelmed by emotions when they do show themselves.  

Thank you for all that you did.  I'm going to take over from here and I'm going to make you proud. 

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