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Painful New Memory


Poppy_

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TRIGGER WARNING FOR GRAPHIC DEPICTIONS OF SA. PLEASE BE CAUTIOUS IF READING AHEAD.

 

EMDR is rough.

At my last T session, K and I processed some SA trauma that took place when I was about 6-7 years old. Some of it, I was prepared for. I knew he tried to have sex with me in a closet. Some of you may even know that. If You want the story on that one, I have a blog titled “The Closet” where I delve into what I remembered from that event. I don’t remember all of the details… I don’t think he w—

As I was writing that sentence, I remembered the part I wasn’t clear on. I knew he tried to penetrate me, but I couldn’t remember if he was successful. Now I remember. He wasn’t. But I do remember the whole situation in more detail now. I actually remember him rubbing his privates against mine and trying to put it in.

So, we started with that event. While I was processing that, I was having a lot of other images starting to pop up of other things that happened with him. I remember him asking me all the time to pull down my pants for him. He would beg me until I did it. One time… he made me get into a trash can with him. One of those big ones you take to the curb once a week.

The next part I remembered was a new memory. At the end of a set, I had this memory of him bending me over so I was facing away from him and I was holding myself up with my arms. We were in my playhouse in my backyard. Right when I had the image of being bent over, the set was done so I stopped. My first thought was that I couldn’t be remembering it properly because it’s not like he was going to fuck me from behind. So, I told K that I had an image come up, but I didn’t know if it was real or not. She told me to just go with it on the next set… so, I did. And I remembered what actually happened. He bent me over and put his fingers inside. And I remember it hurting.

After that, I was really overwhelmed. The next set, I only remember the body sensations I was feeling. We stopped there. It was a LOT to process. And now… I’m just feeling kind of… scared? Almost like I feel like that little girl again. I feel like I am 6 years old, but then I kind of come back to reality. I don’t know. It’s hard to explain. It feels so real now. Sometimes it’s like a movie, other times, it’s like it’s happening to me now.

I’m fighting every urge to hurt myself or just run like hell in the opposite direction. I know I need to do this, but it’s so hard. I’m just glad I have support through this.

-          An excerpt from my journal (with a few edits for privacy and to make the flow easier to read).

Edited by Poppy_

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Sitting with you, Poppy. Those are some incredibly painful memories to recount. I'm so sorry for what happened to you. You were so young and innocent and did not deserve any of it. It's very hard to think of these memories and talk about them, but you're doing it. I'm proud of you. You will heal. Please be extra gentle with yourself, ok? Be kind to yourself. You deserve love and support and care. We're here for you. ❤️ 

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@Finchy - Thank you for your kind words. I have my next T appointment today so we will have round two of EMDR and I am nervous. I am going to take my journal in case she wants to read this entry because I wasn't able to articulate the words and say out loud what I had remembered. It's just so hard remembering this kind of stuff. Knowing that someone took advantage of me when I was so young. My niece is almost six and I cannot even fathom someone doing to her what was done to me. It almost makes it hit closer to home, you know? Anyway, I'm rambling, it's just nice to know someone is listening. Thank you for reading this entry and responding. It means a lot :throb:

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