26 years!
Today marks 26 years since my rape. It's surreal that this much time has gone by while sometimes, it feels as if it were only yesterday.
Thank you to those of you who reached out with hugs and words of support and encouragement today - as well as the days leading up to today. I loathe 10/4 with every fiber of my being but knowing you're all thinking of me does help.
I just want you all to know that I am doing all right. The last few weeks have been cloudy, and I expect I will remain in a somewhat foggy state until mid-month, but at least the 'day' will be over, soon. I apologize for not being as present on AS as I usually am - there really is no excuse beyond working a LOT more than I'm used to, and the fogginess. Some might say that's reason enough, but AS has always been a place where I felt I belonged, a safe, comfortable haven. I suppose it still is. This year, though, I have felt more disconnected than usual and I really don't like it. I will say, though, that I'm committed to keeping in contact with my AS family, even if that contact has been slow/diminished lately. In the coming weeks, I'm going to work on being more present - both physically and mentally.
The gods smiled upon me this morning by sending rain - an element befitting of the day. I have a client who walks to school daily and therefore doesn't show up on rainy mornings. I was up early and ready to go but once I received word that I would not be 'working' this morning, I went and got myself a hot caramel latte - without a care in the world about the calorie content - went with real milk and cream, and got a glazed donut, too! I drove back home in silence and mentally planned out the rest of the day - since my original plan to immerse myself in work was a washout.
I have a second client that I visit daily. I will go see him for 4pm. Before that - I'm going to have a nice filling lunch and focus on getting some wedding stuff done. (For those of you who do not know, I am getting married on 11/5!) My impending marriage to my beautiful fiancee is just one way that I hope to 'reframe' the fall season. It's also another thing keeping me (and my thoughts) busy this year - I suppose it's another factor that is elevating my stress levels, too...LOL. Tonight, I'm going to snuggle up with a blanket and the dogs (it's cold outside!) and watch baseball, and have a big bowl of popcorn while I do it. I can think of no better way to spend the evening hours. I will also be spending time here later tonight - it just seems right.
I'm grateful for my life, the people in it, and for what I have ahead of me - the past will not win. HE will not win. The future is bright and exciting, and I'm looking forward to what lies ahead. This will be the dominant thought for today - not the event that has tarnished this date for the last 26 years. As far as that goes, I feel that I've given far too much of my energy to grieving what I'd lost that day - and not enough to seeing what I've gained since. As the years have gone by, it becomes clearer that while a traumatic event does 'ruin' things for the moment, it simply puts you on an entirely different trajectory - we often have to look a little bit harder for the good things that the new path brings forth. I am no different, and it certainly has taken a very long time to sift through the negative enough to see the positive, but they're definitely there. Had this traumatic event not occurred, I would not know the woman I am soon to marry. I would not know all of your beautiful hearts. I would not have the privilege of being here to support you all as you have supported me. There's more, but I'll leave you all with those main thoughts, as it's one that will help me get through today.
Anyway - thank you all for your thoughts, your positive vibes today, and every day. Thank you for being sources of light during times where my batteries were too low to shine through the fog.
I love you all.
- Cap
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