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you've been in an empty place for a while now.



using playlist-y titles just because lmao. i'm so lost man. i have no idea what to do anymore. i'm shit out of luck. no more medication options, no more therapy options.

in my fruitless search for therapy i've realized just how little society actually gives a single shit about people like me. a family member told me i'm in the leading wave of trans people that led to further research into how to aid trans people in the future, and that's true. every generation of trans people has paved the path for the next. as grateful as i am to have been born when i was (if i had to be born at all anyway) it does suck knowing i don't stand a chance until years upon years from now when trauma therapists start to care enough about trans people to learn about the nuances of sexual trauma for us. 

as a trans person you're pretty much doomed to be the one educating your therapist unless they're specifically a gender therapist. i've accepted that. but the thing is that it's entirely possible for trans people to be treated for trauma, therapists just aren't willing to even try because it's more complicated. general psychologists, occupational and art therapists, and gender therapists have been minimally helpful, some potentially even having caused damage for me when it comes to therapy. but those are the only people willing to take me, and i can't afford to waste money on more useless therapy.

i just don't understand it. there are "inclusive" therapists out there, but i can't afford to go out of network and the only trauma specialists in-network only treat cisgender women. there was one particular place that called me to politely reject me after i made an email inquiry, and some of her first words were "you matter and your story matters." then she proceeded to refer me to other clinics that either weren't in network, were general psychologists, or were other women's clinics. i appreciate the time she took to try but it's so fucking obvious that me and my story are worth less than dirt.

no one gives a shit. no one cares that these cement blocks tied to my ankles are dragging me down, and much quicker the deeper i descend. no one cares that i have all this physical damage and pain and nowhere to talk about it because i can't relate to men, and i don't belong in women's spaces at all. no one cares. i have to hold on because leaving this piece of shit existence would be too messy. but it just gets harder and harder.


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