I've been feeling really nostalgic lately, an old anime I used to watch as a kid got a reboot and it just sends me back in time. I remember when I was playing with my best friend at the time, we had this scenario of our 26yo future self coming to us to help us fight the bad guys. Why we picked 26yo, I don't know, but since i'm getting older and wiser, maybe it's time to make fiction into reality, and write a letter to my 11yo, innocent self.
Dear young me,
You probably don't expect me to be like that, you probably wanted to be someone super cool, super badass, a fighter at heart. In a way, I'd say I am indeed a fighter, thanks to you. As I grew older, I found how I wanted to fight, with kindness rather than violence. I am... we are peaceful at the core and I'm so sorry school forces you to be someone you are not.
When I think back at how things were for me... or how things are for you currently... I surprise myself to cherish that time. I'm not saying it was, or it is a good moment in your life. It is not, I know how much you suffer from the bullying and the lack of friends. It's just that... you don't realize it yet but, everything is just so simple for you right now... The problems are rather straightforward, it's easier to find solutions and adult life matters are still so far away.
When I think back, I wonder, would you be proud of me? Would you be dissapointed? would you be scared to see what you will become? Or maybe you wouldn't see any of that at all... I probably would take you in my arms, praising how amazing you are, how proud I am of you for staying true to yourself. I would give you all the love I don't have for my present self. Please know, I would never trade this life, this you for a happier present.
I still remember you know... those pages you wrote in your diary... i surprise myself reading how dark you wrote... I know you are not happy, yet I look back with a smile on my face, so something somewhere, must have been worth it, I don't have regrets when I look at you.
You might wonder what will happen in the future, what made me look so tired, why my body is the way it is, why I look at you with tears in my eyes. I wish I could tell you, but I don't want to scare you and because you're me, you wouldn't want to know... A you, somewhere, won't choose the same path in life, a you somewhere, will be happy. I don't want to dictate your path, nobody has this power. You don't have to become me, there's a million possibilities, because who YOU want to be, not who you see right now in front of you.
What will happen to me now you ask? It's true I talk as if I'm not worth it, that being me, is not worth it. I don't have an answer for that. I don't know if I'm worth it, but that's the only me I know, so that's the me I'll keep fighting for. I might not be a fighter at heart, but I sure am a survivor.
I love you, young me and if you can't love you in the present, remember there always will be a future you to love you. Never change, you are perfect the way you are. You are glorious, you are brave, don't be ashamed of your scars, I know you will power through anything.