You have so many walls up, and for good reason. But I’m begging you to listen to what I have to say and understand that this is coming from a place of love. I know what you’ve been through, and I know what you’re going to go through. My heart breaks for the pain you are endlessly suffering through. 

You have done nothing wrong. You have not seduced him. You are not a nymphet with an appetite for older men. You are a child. All you want is an adult who believes in you and unconditionally supports you. You did not ask for any of it. You’ve convinced yourself otherwise because the alternative… well it would ruin you, and you know that. You like to imagine that you’re in control of the situation, but I’m going to tell you what is happening because the sooner you see it, the sooner you will start to heal and pick up the pieces he’s scattered across the floor.

You are not in control of the situation. You know this. Every cell in your body knows this. When you see his name on your phone, your jaw clenches. When he closes the door in his classroom, waves of nausea roll over your body. When you’re alone with him in his car on the way to practice, each beat of your heart threatens to crack your ribs. When you're in his bed, you can’t feel your body. You’re not even in your body. You’re watching from the outside and the girl in front of you is unrecognizable. That’s not love, that’s abuse. You’re not in control. The times you said no, the times you said nothing, the times you went along with it, the times your silently cried. Those times don’t reflect anything resembling control. It’s not your fault and you are not the one to blame. The guilt and shame you feel are not yours to carry.

I’m so sorry for what is happening and what is going to happen. I wish I could save you from the pain because you don’t deserve this. Just know you are strong, and you will get through it. I know it because I’m here telling you so. You will survive him, and you will be the last girl. I promise. I love you so much. 

- Your future self