I've felt really gross and contaminated since yesterday.
I've been going back and forth between complete denial and overwhelming disgust. Thinking about what my grandfather did to me makes me feel physically sick.
I was diagnosed with bipolar this week. My brain is twisting this in ugly ways. Like, "Maybe the bipolar gene never would have been activated if the CSA didn't happen. Maybe you shouldn't have let him do those things to you. Maybe you shouldn't have been born at all if this is how it's going to be."
I'm starting to acknowledge that my relationship with my mom probably qualified as covert incest and that is making it worse. But my brain won't stop with the "okay but other people had it worse and I bet it barely counts why don't you appreciate the good things she did" bullshit.
Even when I think about my grandfather literally having sex with me, that voice is in the back of my mind minimizing and denying it.
I feel like the trauma of being sexualized for my entire childhood is clamping down on me with a set of iron jaws and stabbing me through the stomach while my brain is floating off in the distance telling me it's all in my mind, I'm too sensitive, and I'm making it up.
I've been having a mixed mood episode (basically hypomania and depression at the same time). It's getting intense and the suicidal thoughts are escalating (I have a good relationship with my therapist and will share this with her). I'm afraid I'm going to get hospitalized. I also feel that I will be sexually abused, harrassed, or assaulted in some way if I go to the hospital because I'm hyper-aware of how vulnerable to harm psych patients are. TBH most of the time I feel convinced that I'm going to be raped if I go there so it feels terrifying. I feel desperate to stay away and also like maybe I should let them rape me because I deserve it and I'm used to it.
Edited by moop