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marcyabadeer

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I give into DR's guilt tripping and making me feel "obligated" to him. He told me basically because I aborted his baby that he considers me obligated to help him forever basically- and for some reason I actually took/take that serious. So I let him take over me in some ways just like he did before. It was so easy to let it happen and it was so easy for him to do it again. Recently I visited a friend in Indiana. Since my travels were documented some on Snap, he saw that and seemed kind of let down that I didn't ask him to come with me. Friday evening he messaged me and I think he was drunk because instead of being really explicit he said "I just wanna lay with you". That kind of worried me though because I just don't like the sound of it... too "close" for me to think about him. It is odd because ever since he raped me when I was 20, the idea of anything sentimental with him repulses me- but if he talks to me sexually I don't mind it and kind of really like it. I don't understand me. So when he gets all in his feelings (as little as he taps into them) I find it almost threatening/intimidating when he gets on that level because I don't want any investment in me out of discomfort of what he will feel/do. I never felt that way for him. But I do care about him.

Anyways, Saturday evening I was pretty drunk and we were messaging and it ended up getting sexual and he made a joke about how he would literally drive to see me. I just laughed it off. If I said ok, I am not so sure he wouldn't have come... he is crazy. So after I came home, he said he was "sad" he didn't get to see me. So I sent him a song because I felt bad. He messaged me a little after that and said he was really sad again. Then he called me and I didn't see it until ten minutes later. After that he got really aggressive sexually. "Come get fucked" is what he sent me. He said he wanted me to turn my phone off and come see him so it didn't ping for my husband to see. I couldn't leave and wouldn't have anyways (even though I let him make me feel like I am obligated and guilty when I can't fulfill that obligation) He wanted me to send him video again. Said he wanted me to video call him and of everything I have done I just don't feel comfortable doing that kind of thing. He tried to get me to give in by sending me pics of his body and di*k but I told him I wouldn't do the video and that was all he wanted from me. So I couldn't thwart him with a pic that time. Then I started feeling so much pressure and like I didn't have the option to choose for myself. I told him that was a lot for me and I didn't want to do it "It's not a lot" he said. “You’re so complicated”. Reminded me of the guy who abused me when I was a teen so I just got angry. Angry at him. Angry at me for allowing him and the man who abused me to manipulate me these ways. So I told him he doesn't and never did respect my boundaries. He said "I do". Then I told him he doesn't care anything about me. He said "I do care." Which just made me so angry I didn't reply and didn't intend to speak to him anymore after that. But I am too nice and he sent me a random video of some marijuana flowers and I gave in and replied to that. Then today (March 10th) he messaged me out of nowhere (always when he is in the sauna) and told me he wished I was sitting on his (vulgar) right now. And then I am basically an awful human being because it turned me on and then I responded with something extremely explicit. I am worried to even say it because it makes me seem so nasty. But whatever, transparency and all that bullshit- I said "I wish I could suck you off". I know I am just the grossest. He said he wants that so badly...then I sent him a song called bitter fuck- really encompasses how he makes me feel. So I am back at square one because I am masochistic and terrible. When I first opened his message I thought about not messaging him back but that left me with so much guilt- like I am obligated to him... it is such a dumb pull he has on me. I can't stand it. I want to feel confident enough to tell him I can't keep doing this. But I also wish I could see him on MY terms. I think I crave the control I tend to have over him sometimes with this situation. Then when he competes and takes over the control I just get mad and bitter. I sound insane I am sure 👀

 

Edited by marcyabadeer

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I’m so proud of you for talking about this stuff… I’m sure it’s not easy. 
 

Most of us human beings want love, affection, understanding, acceptance…  It’s complicated and messy when we try to look for those things in people who are abusive and manipulative. We know we’ll be disappointed and hurt again.

I think if you search on the internet for TRAUMA BONDING you’ll get more understanding about why you’re doing what you’re doing…

💜

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I'll tell you what my favorite memoirist told me: There are lots of people who should feel shame and you are NOT one of them. ❤️

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