I just wanted to pass by with a quick (maybe?) update, for I know that I have been extremely neglectful to my blog lately. I've been around on the site, though - that is unchanging. Even so, I don't like feeling so disconnected from my blog. It's always been a place I would come to write things out and process - a place to share things I've had on my mind, a place to gain feedback and support. I confess that lately, I've not known what to say about anything, so in turn, I've not done much writing. That feels odd to me, to say the least - for in my childhood and teenage years, ALL I did was write.
I remember my post just before this one - I posted on my 25-year traumaversary. I thought I'd have a lot more to say than I did - and I remember thinking about how short my last post was after posting...and feeling unnerved because of that. When I write, things flow. The words pour out of me. And last time I posted - this wasn't happening. I also remember a thought passing through my mind - what if I've said everything there is to say? What if by now, I've felt everything there is to feel? What if I've experienced all that I'm supposed to experience? (I know that last statement re: experiencing things is not realistic, but for the moment, there was just nothing - my mind went blank!) I know now that was numbness at its finest.
At any rate, you all are due an update.
I'll start with work - which has been about the same - I still only have part-time hours and was dealing with a bit of disappointment last week when an interview for a job at our local Women's Center that I really wanted fell through at the last minute - and not once, but twice. The first time, the interviewer had a personal crisis to deal with and the second time, the interview was put on hold because, according to the interviewer, there had been a staff departure and the company was in the middle of re-assessing their current needs and determining what positions they needed to hire for. They told me they would have a better idea of what was needed in a week or two, and as it's been a good ten days, I sent a follow-up email yesterday morning.
So, I guess, now I wait. Until then, I deal with my current job and with having minimal hours. The pay is decent but the 10 hours per week really aren't helping me to get ahead financially. For those who do not know, I work as a Behavioral Health Technician and I visit my child client daily in his home for a couple hours per day. He comes off the school bus and has to work with me for two hours before he's free for the evening. We work on improving his social skills, his communication skills and his personal hygiene skills. He is on the spectrum and is a great kid - just very distracted (he'd rather play on his phone than board games with me) and there is a lack of hands-on involvement from his mom, who refuses to take his phone away from him - so that makes my job a little bit more challenging. Even so, I have a good relationship with him - I have found that if I am firmer with him, he will usually listen. I suppose that's something I'm still working on - firmness - and it'll probably come in handy if the other job becomes available. This job is not what I want to do long-term, but even I have to admit, it's given me a lot of perspective on human behavior and what causes people to behave in the ways they do. It's definitely a way to gain experience and to prepare for what comes next.
I've been telling myself that this is just temporary - the job I REALLY want is out there and I just need to get in for an interview....ya know....and the last couple weeks have left me feeling defeated because of unforeseen circumstances on their part. It is becoming harder to go to work every day and to not be frustrated with how things are going on the work front right now. There is another part of me right now, though, that is grateful for the job I DO have - when I know there are many who are struggling with finding employment amid a pandemic that just won't quit.
Moving onto a personal note - J and I are planning our wedding. We are tying the knot on 11/5/22 - after 13 years of being together. (I know, EVERYONE is saying, 'it's about damn time!') We have chosen the venue - it'll be at a golf club/reception hall about 45 minutes from home. We have chosen our bridal parties, sent out the save-the-dates, we have put down deposits on the deejay, the photographers and officiant. We have begun to order supplies to make the centerpieces, and we've begun to research favors, choose the music (my sister-in-law and J are going to be responsible for that because when it comes to music, I am completely oblivious), talk about whose or what last name we're going to use and to make list after list....the food, the flowers, the guests, the honeymoon plans, the dresses (J has found hers but I am dragging ass on going for mine!), all the details....SO much goes into planning a wedding....SO much. Everything has to be paid for up to two weeks prior to the wedding, and all this work crap with the lack of hours has me worrying about how we're going to pull it off. My parents are helping with the price of the venue, but we are taking care of everything else. So, while there's stress there - I don't think it's any different than the stress anyone goes through to plan a wedding.
So, that has been keeping me busy lately - though not too busy. Much to the Oompa's (for those of you who don't know, that's my nickname for my mother, who in height and hairstyle resembles one of Wonka's Oompa Loompas) disappointment, I am VERY laid back with planning. She's been trying to get me to give her ideas for the bachelorette party (huh!?) and to get me to make an appointment to go dress hunting with my sisters, who are still making ME drive the distance to go meet THEM at David's Bridal in Jersey. J's sisters are all planning to order their dresses online - mine are the pains in the ass who want to go try on dresses (that might not even be a perfect color match) rather than order the dress that matches the swatches we ordered.
I was considering going back to school for my masters' but I think this is going to be put on hold for another year. I am hoping that by the time next fall rolls around, I will have a full time job - whether it's my current job or a different one - and there's going to be a LOT going on with wedding planning and the actual event - even my former professor has said that it's a lot to undertake when there's that much going on. Of course, the Oompa isn't too pleased with that decision, either, but I've told her that I'm not crazy and I'm not willing to bite off more than I can chew.
I'm not sure she believes me but for now, she's going to have to.
And now here's a quick story to close out the blog entry for tonight....
I also injured myself (or a better way to put it is - my DOG injured me!) last weekend. You see, my dog has anxiety issues. Severe ones. I do not know where they originated but I have a feeling he was abandoned as a puppy. We adopted him when he was three and a half months old from a shelter in Jersey - he was (still is) adorable and we fell in love with him instantly. Anyways, his anxiety is through the roof sometimes. He shakes whenever he hears gunshots or fireworks or loud noises of any kind. He shakes whenever someone is in the house (a repairman or serviceman, etc) and he shakes whenever he knows one (or both) of us is leaving for work or to run errands. He knows our every move and although we do try to tell him beforehand 'we'll be back, we love you' and we hug and kiss him before slipping out the door, he still barks and cries until we pull out of the driveway. He sits faithfully by the window until we arrive home.
So, on Saturday night last week, I had plans to go to meet our potential photographers. Five minutes before I was to leave the house, I took him out to go potty. He knew that I was going to be leaving shortly after. He kept waiting by the car door - pretty sure he wanted to come with me, but Panera Bread is not exactly animal-friendly - LOL. So after he did his business, I tried to get him to go back inside but he bolted in the opposite direction. Because I was standing on icy stairs and not expecting his running, he pulled me and I went down HARD.
It took me a few moments to get up. I hurt, SO bad. I had no time to check out my injuries until after the meeting - minutes after I was sprawled out over my front steps, I was driving myself to Panera because I didn't want to be late. I'm just glad I didn't hit my head - y'all might remember that I gave myself a concussion over a year ago when I passed out in the bathroom and hit my head on the sink on the way down. No head injury this time around but my arm is bruised up. My rear end (or at least, half of it) is bright purple. It is a lovely color, I must say, but I prefer for clothing or sneakers to be that shade of purple. It has been difficult to lay on my left side (both my bruises are on the left side of my body) and to sit without my left butt cheek hanging off the chair....but every day is a little bit easier.
So - that's basically it. I'm tired, I'm stressed out, I'm cranky, and for the moment, I hurt....but I'm surviving.
The dog is fine, by the way. He got yelled at but I forgave him quickly. He's too cute to be angry at for very long.
OK - I hope everyone is doing well! Moving forward, I'm going to try to stay connected and to ease myself back into writing. I know I've said this before so I'll only promise to try because I truly have missed blogging. And all of you.
Sending everyone love and hugs!!