This is another update, to be honest, I am not doing amazing. It has been a crazy struggle recently to get up and feel energized. I have felt this weird sensation as if I have been dreaming this entire time since my last update. I have felt very ugly and not very motivated. Lately, the past month, I have done almost nothing, but workout consistently, it has seemed to be my only escape from everything. I feel almost trapped within my own thoughts and the memories of the past. Mostly a memory I had of my first year in college when I was still dating my abuser; my parents and I had a big argument over this relationship and I had been slowly considering if whether this relationship was really worth it or not, but in the time being, I did not want to see my mother, specifically because when we had this argument she had slapped me so hard and it unnaturally affected me. So, I had decided that instead of visiting home from my college every weekend like I always have, I told my parents I would take a weekend to stay where I was. My mother then blew up, calling me and yelling at me that if I ever got pregnant with my abuser that she would disown me and that I was completely on my own. It really hurt to hear her say this. She claims all the time that we are extremely close, and yet, she is so willing to throw our relationship together out the window. It really hurt my heart and that has now been 3 years since that incident. My mother did apologize saying that she was sorry, but that was about all that the apology consisted of. I know I can only ask for so much of an apology, but it still hurts now and without rambling too much, my mother has indirectly made my period and pregnancy something that I have begun to fear, not only because of my life changing due to something like that happening, but also because I feel that pregnancy could ruin my life and she will brag to others we know that one of my achievements is not being pregnant. It has just been on my mind, and I thought it would be better to write it down somewhere.
If you read all this, I appreciate it and I am sending love out to all those who are on this site.