The Trauma Train
Entry posted by LisaButterfly in Blog ·
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I'm on the Trauma Train and I want to get off, but how do you do that when the loud, grubby steam engine you've been on since childhood is hurtling through desolate landscapes and dark tunnels with no welcoming stations or comfortable rest-stops on-route?
The train carriage I'm in at the moment is empty, it's just me here and I hate my own company. I hate the shell I'm trapped in and frighten myself silly with my own thoughts. I'm so lonely. Then I remembered After Silence - a train station where you can safely get off, if you choose to, and be in the company of people who truly understand without judgement. I can stick my head out of my carriage window here and say 'hello' to others who are on their own Trauma Trains, people who won't walk away when I take my 'I'm fine mask' off. So here I am, after a long period away, saying 'hello' without the mask on.
The last couple of years has been a bumpy ride with too many dark tunnels. I'm not sure if anyone can relate to this, but the latest tunnel, which is far too long, is making my thoughts echo with feelings of intense anger and grief. I was brought up to believe that feeling and/or expressing anger is wrong, so feeling it now is incredibly difficult. I don't know what to do with it so I'm taking it out on myself, leaving emotional and physical scars behind.
What I long to do is climb onto the roof of my train carriage and scream at all the people who hurt me, but most of them are in my past and won't be able to hear me scream... not any more. I often wonder if they're enjoying a picturesque route on a beautiful train while I'm on this ugly, frightening one. Are they travelling through life believing they're decent people? Am I a decent person for wanting to scream at them? That's the difference - I want to scream at them, not because of them. I want the screams to make them feel like shit, not give them pleasure like they did in the past.
I did manage to have a bit of a scream at/with my biological dad recently, which prompted an apology of sorts for his part in the church stuff during my childhood and teens. For him to admit he was wrong to support the exorcisms performed on my cousin and I released a few of the angry bubbles in my shaken up fizzy pop bottle, so maybe I was right to be honest with him. I was honest about other things he didn't know about during that time as well, which was important to me because he does tend to minimise and dwarf my struggles.
So that's one person I could scream at from the roof of my Trauma Train, and the next stop could be my hospital consultant for years of neglect, misdiagnosis, lack of care and for all the comments that have made me feel I don't matter.
I want to grab hold of the people I thought I could trust - the people who I have been 'on tap' for when they've needed a friend - and scream at them for every comment that has made me feel like a drama queen on the few occasions I've felt brave enough to peek out from behind the 'I'm fine mask'. I want to scream at them because the minimising comments and/or complete unavailability to lend a pair of ears or some comforting company has made me want to dissappear and be invisible. Ignoring and downsizing my pain doesn't make it go away, it just makes it more unbearable.
I then long to find 'him'... I can't say his name anymore. I want to ask him why the years of abuse gave him joy; why I was an object to him; why he made me sleep on the floor; why he took the small amount of money I earned; why he had a list of punishments that I thought I deserved; why he locked me away; why he destroyed so many of my precious belongings; why he destroyed me; and, of course, the reason why I'm here on this forum... why he did what he did for so many years knowing it was causing me so much pain. But finding him fills me with dread - I fear seeing him 'on-route' and I'm terrified that he'll find out the abuse isn't my secret any more.
I was diagnosed with Complex PTSD last year, which has given me some kind of route map while I'm on this train journey. What I don't have is a map to finding myself; the person I could be at the end of the train tracks or the person I could have been if the abuse didn't happen. Is there an end to this horrific experience? Can peace be found on-route? Does anyone actually care that I'm being haunted by so many ghosts? Does anyone care that I feel like a ghost and hate haunting myself? Am I a burden because of my messed up head and body? Do I deserve to occupy this planet?
So that's me without the 'I'm fine mask' on, sticking my head out the train window pleading for someone, anyone, to come and sit with me while I'm feeling so trapped and lonely.
If you're struggling with your own Trauma Train, do know that I'm reaching out the window for you with so much care. That's the thing, we know what it's like from lived experience and that drives our train towards others, like us, who need to see a kind hand reaching out to them every now and then.
I'll hurtle off now along the train tracks and hope to say 'hello' to you all again soon.
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