Hey. It’s been a while.
I think something is wrong. I don’t know what, exactly. I just feel so off. I feel disconnected from everything. I feel disconnected from my friends, from my family, from my therapist, from my feelings. I’ve been telling my therapist for weeks that I just feel so numb and empty and I don’t know why. I don’t know how to fix it. I’ve never had a hard time connecting with how I’m feeling. I’ve had issues identifying specific emotions, but I always knew I was feeling SOMETHING. I knew if it was positive or negative. But, now? I feel nothing.
I get bad news – nothing. I get good news – nothing. I’ve tried to make myself feel. I listen to sad songs or happy songs, I’ve read books, I’ve watched television. I’ve tried talking, I’ve tried reaching out to get more connected and it’s just not working.
I don’t feel depressed. I mean, I’ve been depressed before and I know how that feels. This is different. I just don’t feel anything at all. I don’t feel like doing anything, ever. I don’t usually feel like seeing anyone or being around people. I don’t feel like partying, I don’t feel like watching television, I don’t feel like cleaning, I just have not motivation to do anything. Last night when I went to sleep, I wished I wouldn’t wake up. But I also don’t really want to die. I’m not actively thinking about ending my life. I just feel like the only way to escape how I’m (not) feeling, is to sleep.
I think I’m rambling and I don’t even know if any of this is making sense.
This morning on my way to work, I had a thought. I don’t know if it’s a valid thought or if this really is what’s wrong with me, but I did have a thought.
My whole life, I have attached to people. No, it’s not healthy, but I couldn’t help it. I just get overly attached very fast. But right now, I’m not attached to anyone. I mean, I still love people that I was attached to before, but I don’t feel attached like I used to. My closest friend is someone that I got very attached to when I met her. She knows this. But now, I don’t feel that way about her anymore. I still love her and I still enjoy talking to her and I do get sad when we don’t talk sometimes, but the attachment piece is just not there.
Honestly, I’m sure this is a good thing. I was super attached to my T and now I’m not. And I know that’s probably for the best. But I’m wondering if not having that intense connection to someone is what has me feeling so empty right now.
It could also be the meds I’m on. I really don’t think they’re working like they’re supposed to. The mood stabilizer is not stabilizing my moods and I think this antidepressant is what’s making me feel so numb. It’s a new one I’ve never taken before so I’m thinking that’s a possibility. I’m hoping to get in to see someone soon to fix them. My pdoc left the practice she was at and is no longer going to be doing psychiatric medicine, so I have to find someone knew. I really didn’t want to stay at the place I was at because I’ve had a lot of issues with them in the past. Trying to get ahold of someone when something isn’t working right, trying to get refills, getting in touch with my pdoc… So, when she left, she recommended me to a new clinic. I put in a new patient request the same day. Then I received an email from them that they can’t take me on as a patient.
They said it could be insurance, it could be that there’s no room, it could be anything, really. But I’m afraid that it’s because in my new patient paperwork, they asked for previous diagnoses and I put Bipolar II and Borderline. I think that they just don’t want to see a Borderline patient.
They gave me a list of other clinics, but I’m afraid I’ll end up somewhere with someone I really don’t like. And that clinic was the only recommendation I had. But, I’m about to need refills or a med change so my T told me to reach out to the clinic I was already at and make an appointment. I did, but then I remembered that I scheduled the appointment for next week and I am in a training class at work all week next week so I won’t be able to go. I need to call and reschedule.
Other than those things, I really don’t know what has me feeling this way. Something just isn’t right. It feels like I’m living in this fog. I’m zoning out all the time and the thoughts in my head are so loud. My mind is constantly running. I’m always thinking about something and nothing at the same time. And honestly, I feel so alone right now.
I think I need help – I just don’t know what kind. I’m stuck.