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Hypersexuality is a cruel symptom.

moop

Entry posted by moop in pain ·

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My hypersexuality is a sneaky, hidden trait.

To most people I come across as very modest and sex averse. I'm afraid of wearing anything that shows skin because I'm insecure about my body and don't want people to pay attention to it. I have the body language of someone who is ashamed to exist. It's rare for me to talk about sex.

But privately, I'm obsessed with sex.  Or at least obsessed with performing sexual behaviors to control the feelings I have from being raped.

I've been compulsively masturbating 3-4 times per day. Sometimes more. I don't really want to. It's to the point where I'm causing myself physical pain and interfering with the actual sex I have with my boyfriend. But it feels like I HAVE TO keep doing it, because if I don't then I feel like my skeleton is going to leap out of my body.

It feels like a mix of disgust, punishment, and arousal. Which is basically how being raped as a child felt for me. I usually masturbate to some kind of forced sex, whether it's staged porn or literally my own description of being raped.

It's confusing and horrible.

And I've been like this for as long as I can remember. Like, I didn't start compulsively masturbating until I was an adult, but I've always been more aroused by the concept of rape than by sex. I drew rape porn when I was like 11. 

My brain wants rape to be normal.

If I like being raped, then it hurts less. I don't need to think about how my body was used as a dumpster. No trauma. All in my control.

I want to have sex with the man who raped me as a kid, and it feels disgusting because he's related to me and also long dead. 

It feels like I have been trained to be sexual and there is nothing else I am worth. Like, I'm good at a lot of non-sexual things, but in the back of my mind I truly do feel that my greatest value is in being a body that someone else can use and throw away. I don't know how to process that I really didn't want or deserve it.

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Thought_storm

I also have an obsession with sex that I keep hidden. I feel gross for wanting the things that I want. I've had to go into the bathroom at work and cum while looking at images on my phone. I'll wake up from a dead sleep wanting sex. Like you, I've also experienced physical pain from excessive masturbation.

I am grossed out by thoughts of my abuser, and can't wait until  she's finally dead. I feel like I'll be able to attend family events if she's gone forever.

I also struggle with suicidal ideation that I've only told my wife about. Daily I want out. 

Oddly, I read about these brothers, and was happy that they did what they did:

https://www.valleycentral.com/news/local-news/teens-face-murder-charges-in-death-of-43-year-old-man/

https://www.change.org/p/pharr-tx-judge-justice-and-freedom-for-3-brothers-who-killed-their-sister-s-abuser

You're definitely not alone. I hope you feel better one day.

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