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I Heard Them Talking About Me.



I heard somewhere that writing is supposed to help heal. When nothing else makes sense, it never hurts to put your thoughts somewhere. Shall I start about my day from the beginning?

This morning I was talking to someone who prefers to hide themselves. A defense mechanism if you will. He said, "Sometimes it's easier just to wear the masks people give you." Rather than allowing people "in" to see the real you. He's a capable person and a unique thinker. I like unique thinkers. Once before... I think it was last week or so he told me that he doesn't trust people because he knows what he's capable of himself and it scares him to think what other people are capable.

I don't know much more about him, other than a few things I picked up. He hides well. We joke a lot. I became really good friends with these 2. I mean, the other guy was more of a proxy friend because he knows "Dos", we'll call him.

Anyway the beginning of my day was much better than the usual. It was painful, but beautiful. I found that you can share what has happened to you with some people. I told a different friend I've known for much longer. I got a lot of support. Even "you have no reason to be sorry. I'm here for you. You're amazing. Don't let them ruin you." - I was shocked because we have more of one of those silly joking friendships? Basically, we're always bullshitting. I was honest about one part. I still don't know if I trust him. This is soooo screwed up but his face kind of reminds me of HIS face and that makes me not trust him as well as I have a hard time trusting men to begin with.

Back what's been bothering me. I walked by a room with "Dos" and "GG" and I was late, but I heard them talking while I was setting my purse down. I wasn't eavesdropping. I was supposed to be there. In fact I heard "GG" say, "Where is our crazy female friend anyway?' and then he said "Would you rather c*m on her face or her ass?" and then something about them being one and the same. "Dos" says "Well if they're one and the same, does it really matter?" - "GG" says, "Well if you had to choose. Her ass or her face?" "Dos" says, I'd prefer the face. "GG" Do you think she has a nice ass?" Dos answers "It's ok. I'd rather on her face though."

I froze. Then I grabbed my purse and stormed out. Dos texted saying that they weren't talking about me if that's what I thought. My immediate response was "Like hell you weren't. You're scum. I'm disgusted." - Blah blah he said something about how I was his friend and some other random passive aggressive crap. What am I supposed to think? EVEN IF (I highly doubt) they weren't talking about me, why would I want to hear them talk about someone like that? I realize men can be insensitive and talk to each other about women like this. it still makes me sick to my stomach. I thought they were my friends? Relatively new friends. It's not a big loss. It's they're loss. Why? Because I'm one of the most bad ass b!tches you'll ever meet. Regardless of what has happened to me or what I've been through. I'm still right here and keeping faith in Humanity. I want to so badly believe in people, but the things I enjoy put me in place where I'm constantly reminded I'm female and a lot of men feel like I'm "imposing" on their space. Like I don't deserve to be there.

Someone once told me I have to have thick skin. Yeah, I can take the regular old shit talk back and forth like a pro. I'm tired of sexist pigs and I'm really starting to think men are like this. You put them in a room... Oh god, I hope I'm not being sexist. >.< Ever accidentally hear men having a conversation about women they know together? I know women talk, too... but it's not on the same level. With personal friends we may share more personal details... Maybe I'm just clueless. I am no longer speaking to GG or Dos. As far as I'm concerned they are a part of scumbagcleave. I'm insensitive.

So before I focus on all the negative of today... I think that L sharing his music with me was amazing as well as his support. I never thought I'd feel support about being raped from a man (sounds sexist I know) and I apologize to "good guys" reading it. L is kind of a big deal. Semi-famous... he also brought some other things to my attention. I'll write about it later when I want to sort through it. Has to do with about the kind of person I am.

I need to see more than just the negative in every day. I felt lonely... I still feel extra lonely. I feel like I've lost 5 friends in the past 4 months.

I talked to L. I enjoyed his demo. I'll run some games with him later. I'd like to write with him. I should tell him that, but don't have the balls. I haven't sang in forever.

I showed my boss skills with making my script work. /dance This makes more work for me but I got a lot done today.

Sometimes when people censor me... or tell me I can't say something I feel... violated?

Don't censor me, bro. A girl needs her voice.


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I got facebooked by Dos yesterday
"<<< Look, idc if you don't ever want to speak to me again or what you think of me, but I do care how you feel because you are a friend to me. I'm sorry for attacking your feelings, it's just that in situations where I am being called the bad guy when I am not, really get to me, and I was wrong. It's also why it is easier to hide, so I won't ever have to be put in those confrontations. I did not and nor will I ever put you in a exposed vulnerable situation, it was all just an unfortunate misunderstanding. Had you been someone else maybe I wouldn't have cared to write you this. I still I respect you as a friend. I enjoyed our honest long conversations about our lives and random shit and the comfort I had with just sharing anything with you. You are a very cool, real down to earth person, and that is hard to find. I just want you to know that you will always have a friend in me and I really hope you get the condo you want and make all the money in the world. It also won't mean much but GG is sorry you had to hear him like that."

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I don't trust them.... I feel like they stomped all over it. Mostly GG... but I guess people don't really realize what they have until it's gone. I removed them from everything. He had to have his friend send me a message in order for me to see it. I had already put them in the "past" and tried to move on. I have too much other shit to worry about, but we talked and I just wanted to run. I was like... I no longer trust you people at all. In fact, this is probably some sort of joke or trick to fuck with me further, but then I realized after spending a little time with them that my presence actually was missed. They would repeat things I used to say or joke around about.
I don't think things will be the same... I have different priorities and I certainly won't share ANYTHING personal with GG again. He's a sensitive person deep down but I don't trust him. I'm still "a chick" instead of a friend to him.

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