I feel swallowed by shame.
I don't understand how I have managed to survive for this long. I don't mean that in a bad way, the amount of trauma I've had is just hitting me hard. A lot of the time I feel numb to how bad things really were.
It doesn't feel real. That kid getting yelled at, watching holes get punched in walls, getting raped... I know her, but she doesn't feel like me.
I don't know how to process how violated and dehumanized I feel.
I feel like trash. Worthless. I want to cry, but I don't feel real enough to make it happen. I feel repulsive. Disgusting. I want to throw my body into a meat grinder. I feel like a bloody pile of shredded inflamed skin and crushed bones.
It hurts so much. Like a punch to the gut that never ends.