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I am in a dark place right now.

Winter is always challenging. It feels dark, cold, and bleak. Some of my normal coping skills, like hiking, aren't accessible. Every year I fall apart more than usual when the daylight decreases.

But things have been worse than usual, because my PTSD symptoms feel out of control.

Sleeping, moving, eating, drinking, showering... it all feels so fucking challenging. It is painful to exist. I'm doing my best to go through the motions but I'm not really sleeping.

My partner's sleep apnea is making it so much worse, I'm afraid to even try to sleep in bed with him because he's so loud. It's taking a toll on me.

I'm breaking down. I feel worn down.

It feels like I'm being raped over and over.

I'm tired of flashbacks. Of anger. Of shame. I don't know how to take it any more. Honestly, I don't know if I CAN take it anymore.

I've reached out for help so many times. It feels like I have been screaming for years and nobody who can truly help me actually will.

I know it isn't personal, but come the fuck on.

I shouldn't have to make 60+ phone calls to find a therapist. If I call about joining a support group, someone should call me back. The fact I have reached out so many times and have not received help is unacceptable. It makes me extremely angry. Because for the millionth time I am suffering unnecessarily due to things I cannot control. I'm so tired of not having control.

Why is our mental health system like this? Why is the onus on the person suffering to "be persistent"? Why do we run psych wards so similarly to prisons? Why are we shocked by suicide rates when we offer so little to people who are unable to help themselves? How is it this fucking crappy? I know it's better than it used to be, but I don't really care right now because I'm so fucking frustrated. Our healthcare system in general is broken and people die because of it. All the time. I'm afraid that I will be one of them.

The sun is coming up. I'm crying.

I'm supposed to work today. We will see how that goes.

This weekend I couldn't even pull it together enough to go to the grocery store so I'm skeptical of my ability to work. I need time off that I feel unable to actually take.

I think there's a very good chance that I'll be hospitalized again.

And I'm sure that like the other times, it will not help. That it will instead make me feel even more dehumanized than I already do. i don't have telepathy so WHO KNOWS but I have zero optimism based on my prior experiences. Also because depression makes me a miserable inflexible brittle thinker.

I want to beat my head against the wall because I don't know what else to do. I feel completely broken and hopeless.

I only have one friend and I can't even pull it together enough to text her back. Oof.

I really need a good night of sleep.


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