Daily Thoughts (1)
*I'm going to try and make this an everyday entry as sort of a diary.
Today is January 3rd of 2022. I am currently at work and trying to get through the day, 12 hour shift 7am-7pm, I am on hour 5 out of 12 (Almost halfway there!). Today is my last work day until Saturday. I am a home health aide to a lovely senior couple. However, my days pass slow as they tend to nap a lot and I am O.C.D. about cleaning as I go so I don't have a ton of work to do throughout the day. Because of this, there's plenty of time for thinking (overthinking), remembering things that I don't want to, just falling into a slump. I have days where I feel great, positive, and happy. But then, I'll find myself driving home and just randomly start crying and when I try and figure out why I'm crying I realize half the time I don't know, and the other half its because of the memories. Those moments are when I fall into a depressive state and just feel like giving up. Everyone has bad days, but are my bad days really bad? Or are my good days just not as bad? These are the days that I try and not put too much pressure on myself. I try and take a nap, read a good book, or take a bath and have a glass of wine.
Am I the only one who has moments where i don't really feel happy or sad, just kind of meh? Where I'm not really thinking about something, but I find myself just staring off at nothing in particular and just not really feeling connected to anything. What do you call that? In those moments I feel... nothing. I have a loving fiancé, so many animals its quite ridiculous 😄 How many you might ask? Let's see... I have 4 dogs; a German Shepherd (Duke), a Weimaraner (Gamora), a Great Dane/ Lab mix (Penelope), and a Husky (Blue). 9 cats (yes I did indeed say 9) Oscar, Hector, Savanna, Chandler, Calvin, Dr. Stray (yes she was a stray kitten i rescued and my fiance named her 😄), Wanda, Vision, and Pietro. I also have 2 birds (parakeet's) and two 75 gallon fish tanks with assorted fish. I am aware that I have a zoo. I feel as if that is also a biproduct of trying to surround myself with love and affection that I lacked growing up, also I have no children of my own.
On a side note, I am in college to get my Nursing degree and classes start on Wednesday. I have 1 class to take to finish my A.A. degree, and then 2 more classes to finish my Nursing program prerequisites. I am enrolling in math for liberal arts and microbiology and lab this term. During the school year its easier to focus on doing school work because it gives me the distraction that I need to keep my mind from straying to gloomy thoughts. It's easier to put on a brave face and keep going when I can distract myself from the memories of what happened. It has been around 8 years since the last time I was sexually abused by my abuser. However, I can at any time slip into a memory that leaves me feeling as if it has just occurred, and just talking about what happened also can take me there.
I'm not sure what else to say right now, so I guess I'll leave it at that. One day at a time.
Much Love ❤️,
* Question of the day*
- What do you do to try and relax and take your mind off of things, or to get you out of a slump? (I could use some more ideas)