How do I even begin??
I guess I can start off by saying that I was sexually abused/molested from the time I was four (earliest memories of it happening) and it lasted until I was fifteen. That's at the minimum eleven years of sexual trauma. This is so hard to admit out loud. For so many years I have kept this to myself, and I have actually told myself that I would take it to my grave. Why did I tell myself this? Because I was AFRAID. Afraid of: my abuser, telling anyone, not being believed, sympathy, disgust, feeling shame, feeling guilt, others thinking differently of me, etc. The list goes on and on. Why am I the one that feels disgusted with myself? Why do I feel as if it was my fault, as if I had to have done SOMETHING to make this happen to me? I'll tell you the only answer I have, I don't know.
Who is responsible?
The one person that was supposed to protect me, my guardian, my parental figure, MY FATHER. What did I do to deserve this? I was born. I have no other answer, because this is one of the many questions that have plagued my mind since. As a child you are supposed to be able to trust the people who created you. They are supposed to be your idols, your hero's. But for me, I lived in perpetual hell. Others who have no experience with abuse (of any kind) would probably ask "why didn't you tell anyone?" The simple answer to that is because I couldn't. Fear is a very powerful inhibitor.
A little background.
I am the youngest child of four. I have an older sister and two older brothers. My sister and eldest brother are technically my half siblings seeing as we have different fathers, and my other brother (3rd oldest) shares the same father as me. I am now twenty-three years old, and just now coming out about what happened to me. What's even more horrible, and yet comforting (which I feel disgusted at saying), is the fact that my older sister was also molested/sexually abused by my father. Now before you think, “why would you say that!”, I only mean that it is comforting because I am not alone in what happened to me. My sister has the same, or similar, experiences that I do. When I finally came out about what happened to me, I had her there to talk to and assure me that I wasn’t alone in what was done to me. She was able to relate to almost everything I had to go through, which made it easier to talk about.
Of course, that didn’t make everything okay. I still have nightmares occasionally and it has made it VERY hard for me to trust anyone, and most importantly men. I have excessive anxiety when going out in public and can’t go places by myself without feeling like someone is out to get/hurt me. I know this is an irrational fear, however I can’t get rid of the feeling. I have never wanted attention from others and have literally gone out of my way to not elicit it; i.e. changing the way I dress, present myself, and how friendly I am to strangers.
· How do I move on from what happened?
· What are some good coping mechanisms?
· What should I do when I’m having a bad day?
· Does the guilt ever go away?
· Why? (I know there will never be a good enough answer to this.)
*This is only the beginning of opening up. There's still so much left unsaid.