Little me: "I don't like when people talk down to me, petty me, feel sorry for me. My dad always lets me win and then denies It...my brother has done that a few times too. It makes me feel like I'm not smart enough, like I can't do things by myself. Yes, losing can be upsetting, but I like losing better than people feeling like I need to be pushed.
Older me Is working a new job and It's really hard on her, sometimes It wears her out completely, I don't know how she got there, I would be so scared...I think deep down she's scared too. Scared of people, of failing, of 'jinxing' things. But although she had to face her consequences when she made mistakes, she's been able to face them better, knowing that her value Isn't there, but In who she Is. She's really strong but I've had a hard time feeling like It...I say this because, there are very few little times during the week when she can rest, space her mind, do what she wants and, although our father Is really difficult, she still tries when I'd given up In fixing things with him, Older me tells me she doesn't blame me, she says he's a narcissist and that she still doesn't feel completely at ease when he's around but, appriciates the little things, like, playing chess, only this time Older me was too tired so I came out. I was angry and upset, not because I lost (although that was disappointing) but because our father kept explaining us how to play when we've played a million times, he would make fun of us for not 'thinking things through or right' and I was not okay with It. If It's just a game then let It be just that, Older me wasn't at her best or using all of her focus on It, she works 8 hours a day, she's tired, we just wanted to have some fun but he ruined It, again.
Older me Is accepting me more and more now, so I can cry. I can cry for people acting like Idiots and makng us feel like one. She's concerned about how much tears are coming out but, I really want to tell her that It's been a loooong time since they came out, and that I won't take this chance for granted. If I have to cry like a river I will".
Old me: "I love you kiddo, I'll give you the space you need to cry, cry all you want, It's our nature"