I have been talking to my long distance ex that is my BF again…but there’s this wall. Every time I want to knock it down…every time we talk about something sexual that makes me think back to what’s been done to me…thinking about it now makes me want to vomit…
he said something the other day that we were talking about and it has had me triggered since.
he helped a girl by giving her a ride home, that was drunk and alone left by her bf at his place of work, crying without a ride or phone in the parking lot. He’s a good guy and he gave her a ride home. But he half making a joke but also being serious said that if she’d given him a blow job as thanks he wouldn’t have turned it down. It just reminds me of my first blow job. I was crying in the passenger seat of my car while he begged me to blow him. I didn’t want to, he had gotten me so drunk by that point…I was so afraid to say no. Even though I did say no through tears I still did it in the end. Thinking about it makes my stomach hurt and makes me want to SH to just focus my brain elsewhere and get the pain out.
my current BF just doesn’t understand…why would you be ok with a drunk girl giving you a BJ? Even if mildly drunk? She in some way incapacitated and you’re ok with that? I just…I don’t know how to explain to him why it disturbs me so much…I feel like he just can’t understand.