*trigger warning* R, SA, and assault
It's been a couple years since I've been on this site. Reading through my old blog posts shows me that I'm in a much better place than I was before, but I'm back on this site again for a reason I guess. I came back to this site because I realized that what happened to me in my relationship wasn't what should have happened. In college I found myself in a relationship I never wanted to be in and tried to get out of multiple times. Being naive, when I said no and didn't consent to sex during this relationship and he still made it happen I just thought I was doing what was expected of me as a girlfriend even if I didn't enjoy it or want it to happen. This happened many times in the relationship, but the worst was when he and I went out drinking and came back to my apartment for the night. I was drunk and fell asleep quickly but woke up to him on top of me and my pants down. I was still kind of drunk and tried to fight him off but he held me by the neck until it was hard to breathe. A few weeks later I had a missed period and eventually came a positive test. A few weeks after that I miscarried. At the time I didn't realize what happened was R, I didn't think that I could call it that because we were dating and I didn't realize that I could be with someone and they could be the assaulter. Finally coming to terms with what happened has brought a lot of emotions back to the surface and has left me feeling lost and angry. I have been SA more times than I can count, but something about realizing that that traumatic event was more than just that, that it was R, makes me feel like I lost more of myself than I had thought before. I wasn't given the choice to practice safe sex and I was the one that had to pay for it. I was the one left with having to grieve not only for myself but for my lost pregnancy. He, on the other hand, got exactly what he wanted. I'm tired of feeling like I have no control and I can't wait for the day that I feel respected and cared for by a partner the way I should be. At the end of the day I am not a victim here because being his "victim" gives him more power over me than he will ever deserve.