I've been thinking a lot lately. And I mean... a looot.
I asked myself, why is everything so hard? Why do I feel so unmotivated ? why do I feel so bored of everything?
I don't like just sitting there and do nothing, I need to be productive, else I feel like I'm wasting the little time I've granted in this life. So, why do I still waste it? It's not as simple as my brain try to make it out to be.
Feelings, emotions, it's complicated. If you don't feel good, even the smallest task can appear as the biggest challenge. I decided to see in myself, what was making me feel so bad. And it all comes down to loneliness.
I had the habit to do certain things at certain hours, for 4 years. Due to the toxic nature of the person I was sharing those habits with, I had to cut ties and stop doing them. And since then, I feel terribly alone. I'm also more free, and I enjoy that, but I never realized how isolated from the world I had been while being in relationship with this person.
I'm alone, but years of habit of exclusively talking to one person and self isolating from the rest of the world is hard to change. i'm sabotaging myself quite a bit x'D
But now that I realized this, I think I can do something about it. Maybe sharing silly projects like cringy fanfictions with a fellow writer ? or do more voice calls and play games with online friends. I started opening up to the outside, but I have my bad days where the self-isolation is just stronger. It's not cool, but I'll overcome this.
I hope anyone else suffering from this self isolation and sabotage will figure a way out of this. You have the strength do to change, it doesn't have to be now, it doesn't have to show right now, but the power to do so is there, waiting to blossom as its full potential when the time is right. Remember to be kind to yourself. It's ok to have meh or bad days, it doesn't mean all efforts to get there are ruined all the sudden. We got this and I want to believe in all of us !