The words as they came to me
You know, I'm not exactly a highly spiritual or religious person. I just do things my way, follow my guts and feelings. At least most of the time.
What is really challenging to me with overcoming trauma and making my way to recovery, is, I don't know the way. I'm lost with only my moral compass to guide me, and a shattered mind to make decisions. There's noone to hand me a map that says "in 100 meters, turn left, recovery is at the end of this road". that's just not how it works. Recovery is different for everyone, and I believe it also greatly depends on what one can afford to do at a given time.
I've been thinking about trauma therapy for a while now. But I'm scared. What if I'm being told that my experience is not valid ? what if I'm making things up and it's not an actual trauma ? what if they give up on me ? It takes a lot of strength. And I don't know if I feel ready to open up to a stranger about everything that happened to me. I actually never been able to be clear about my experience when talking face to face. The words remains stuck in my throat like a bunch of stabbing needles. it just won't come out. I tried, I really did. But I'm too scared. I'm too ashamed.
So here I am. With my life in a heavy backpack, at a very important crossroad.
Well, I do say crossroad, but really, it's not even as clear as that. I still have to make my own options, it's not conveniently presented to me like a rpg game. I'm both character and author of my story. So here's what the options I'm considering :
-Wait a little longer and see how just talking in AS helps
-Find a spiritual movement or philosophy to seek guidance
That's probably not the best plan, but it is my plan. each option has its pros and cons.
Starting therapy will be extremely painful and challenging when first starting, I might also struggle to find the right person to accompany me on this journey. However, on the long term, I think it will help me most and sooner or later I think i'll have to deal with that anyway. The real question is, do I feel ready to trust again ? To open my shell ?
I could also wait a little longer. I've only just joined afterall, maybe I'm too impatient. Waiting is the neutral option, it won't make it worse, it won't make it better. It's safe, It's something I know, it's comfortable.
Finding a spiritual something is tricky. It could help me, but I would be scared to become close minded and stuck in one way of thinking, also would it actively help with my trauma ? maybe it's something I should consider for my well-being and how I approach life in general rather than it being a decision trauma centered.
And I could just improvise, this is by far the wildest option. And the most dangerous, I could experiment or try things that could hurt me along the way. i'm not sure it is wise to take such a risk.
I think deep down, I know what I need to do, I know where I need to go. i'm scared. But I also was scared to join, and I did. i stay convinced joining was one of the best decision I've made in a long time and it actually helped me start to consider the next, bigger, more challenging step.
The word of the end
What I'd like to share to anyone curious or bored reading this is, it's ok to feel lost, it's ok to feel confused. Healing is not a race, and everyone has a different pace. It's not a matter of healing fast, but healing properly. It takes time, there will be ups and downs along the way, that's ok.
Sometimes you might feel like you're going backwards, but no, that's not true. We all have bad days. When that happens, we're not at our best, we might do things not as good as usual, or fall back into old bad habits. It happens, that doesn't make you a failure, it's part of the process. Please, take the time to look at the bigger picture, and see all the way you already made. It might not be so impressive to you, but each step, not matter how small it may seem to you, makes a huge difference, a little step is still a step in the right direction, that all that matters.