At a low point but first time at one of these points where I have a therapist I really like.
I have “my body is a cage” stuck on repeat in my head atm.
It’s sickeningly appropriate for how I feel.
Wanting to crash diet, count cals, keep food journal, look at certain things online. (if you know what I mean, you know..)
wanting to feel anything but my feelings...so visualizing self harm a lot. It’s how I cope with not self harming...haven’t in 10+ yrs. my depression is just bad and I want to focus on anything but feelings...while also punishing myself for having gotten to the situation I’m in...with the ex. Who I had sex with 4 yrs ago and still can’t decide if he violated my consent...mostly because boundaries were so messed up in my head from previous experiences, but also because I am horrible at being clear with what will/wouldnt happen when we met ( long distance, I went to meet him) and I didn’t want x to happen but in the moment I have such a difficult time saying no.
**trigger warning within the trigger warning....**
This will get possibly graphic. Please skip if things trigger you but I don’t know how else to explain the awkward situation I was in other than explaining
so we were half dressed half not and i felt like with my body language I was already showing him not to push me further but idk maybe my body language wasn’t clear..and he put part of his P in my V and I wanted to slow down so when he was no longer in me I kind of slowed it down and went back to cuddling....I think...can’t remember exactly...but later he made a comment to the effect of “ if I hadn’t of slipped out we would’ve kept going” he didn’t just slip out...I tried to pull away so he would. Idk like...didn’t he know I was the one who “ended” the contact there?..And If he realized I was pulling away...then duh idiot I obviously wouldn’t have wanted to keep going... like to him it was just a coincidence that contact ended...??
it makes me sick now because thinking back I know my consent felt pushed like he was trying to push a line idk how to explain..