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elisand

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One of the hardest parts of being abused was isolation. I felt cut off from the world. I felt like everyone else in the world is more valuable than me, I was ashamed for wasting their time on me. I was worthless, and they were so successful. They seemed so confident and in control and competent. I was jealous honestly. And I understand my jealousy. I would think, their problems are so small. Additionally, and perhaps much more powerful was my feeling of degradation because I knew I couldn't control my penis, my desire to masturbate while they all seemed to be in complete control. Not only that, my sexual desire was so strong I would be pulled almost physically to look at their body and even imagine touching them, and especially children. I felt like a pervert. Like a dangerous person. Even though I never touched another penis other than my abusers. I felt like people looked at me and just saw where I was looking. They saw me as a pervert and no way could I tell them I'd never touch them. And when I gained the ability to not look, I was sure people could see I was acting funny, that I was trying not to look. And years ago I learned with a kid and couldn't tear my eyes away from his pants and EMBARRASSINGLY he one day asked me, why do you always look at my pants? I became deathly afraid he had told his parents and was so ashamed. 

I thought people could see my vulnerability and exploited my discomfort. 

Well you can imagine how isolated and sad I felt. The helplessness, the fear, the shame. 

Much later I began to let myself know and believe, I'M NO WORSE THAN OTHER PEOPLE. What happened to me, that early sexualization by my abuser was not right and I was an innocent child. I as a person, a human being deserve the same respect any other person gets. And I could demand it from people. If they refused, they were considered by me to be less virtuous or just self-centered. And that's not my problem. Sure, it still triggers the rejection alarm in my brain, but I know it's not really. Im still the same good guy. 

At a certain point I mustered the courage (borne by terror) to ask someone, how do I look to the outside world? And you know what he said? He said I look like a respectable, nice person. I was incredulous. Couldn't they see how transparent and vulnerable and ashamed I was???? And yet the fact was, NO they couldn't. Well that was truly an eye-opener. I had been struggling to create an outward persona as a person not being full of depression and shame, and I had that. People didn't see me in the way I knew myself to be. That released so much anxiety. It took months for it to sink in and start changing how I interacted with others but astoundingly, the more I asserted my right for others to respect me, the more respect I recieved. 

Actually some people do even now see me as funny, because I am so open to talking about stuff. But now I don't have much of an issue with it. They're not for me. I know inside I'm not a danger to others. How open I have been, not knowing how to set boundaries with what I reveal to whom was a humongous struggle as well but we could write about it in another blog post. 

 

Edited by elisand

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I get the isolation part.

 

I moved away from the US to live elsewhere to get away from it all.

I'm doing OK but I can get lonely.

On one hand, it makes me feel safer almost?

And also it allows me to be self-employed more easily and isolate myself more from others.

But, being honest, I don't see that as being very helpful nowadays.

I'm very good at isolating myself from others.

When I was a kid/teenager, I got used to being alone (aside from having a few friends) as I had nobody to go to for help or anyone I felt comfortable asking for help from what happened.

But there are drawbacks to that isolation.

In which you stay in your place one day after another drinking all the time and never interacting with anyone....

For me, it has hurt me I think a little bit in the short term maybe?

Well, it doesn't help the mental health to put it better.

You need to confront the isolation however you are comfortable in doing so.

At least in my experience anyway.

I get the vulnerability aspect anyway.

When I was growing up, there were things my mom did that ultimately made me feel the need to suppress how I felt about anything.

And basically become a very stoic person.

How I am with her and family is a very different person from how I am with literally anyone else.

Simply because I just don't feel comfortable at all being my real self with family members.

With family? I'm stoic.

With anyone else, I'm much more relaxed and interactive.

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