While I am still dealing with all the old memories and new feelings I am doing better. I have talked to my bf and a couple of close friends and its amazing how good just telling someone the truth feels. Thankful that I have these people in my life.
Dealing with a lot of anger towards my mother but working through that as well. I know there isn't any need to look to my family for support, other than my daughters, they all want to keep their heads in the sand.
I'm hoping I can tell my daughters one day if for no other reason than to explain why their mom was so depressed while they were growing up. I never took my children around my family in hopes I could protect them from this. I asked questions a lot when they were younger just to make sure. I have asked both if anyone molested them the oldest said no the youngest had an encounter with a slightly older cousin once but said no adult ever and nothing but the one time with him. She said was at a holiday dinner because honestly that is the only time I would have them around my family. She said he grabbed her nothing else. I hope they're both being truthful about it and not pushing it down like I did for so many years. I have told them if anything happened and you aren't comfortable talking to me please see a therapist or talk to someone they can trust.
It's strange how even after all this pain is coming back the only thing I can think is I need to protect them from it, and my mom let the asshole stay. How do I deal with all this anger especially since she has passed away? How do I get closure from her when she isn't here to get it? I'm not sure but I saw a blog where someone was writing letters to her family and maybe that's a good place to start.
I am better at writing about my feelings than actually speaking them. I get to emotional when speaking about it, so all my convos have been via text with friends and bf and as I said all support me and understand.
I feel blessed to have just a few people I can be honest and open with