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Just need to let it out some way


aperson

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So this is one of those times that I really wish I was completely different type of person. Instead of sheltering everything inside, I wish I let everything out. Well at least most things. Right now I feel anxiety swelling up but there is no one to reach out to. I shelter so much of myself that I have shut the world out and people I have known for years.

Now there is no one to reach out to and say I need a safer space. No one to reach out to and say I am not ok. No one to reach out to and say can you just sit while I try and process these feelings that I cant verbalize. 

Dec has always been a difficult time of year. This year proved no different. 2 weeks before Christmas, I receive a call from my mama. She sounds off. Her speech is slurred and broken. She believes she has had a stroke and says I dont need to come over. If she didnt have a stroke she had definitely lost her mind saying that. She tells me her symptoms which includes decreased functionality on her right side. Inside I panic. So I check to see if she is tired. She is a diabetic and has a history of diabetic ketoacidosis.  Some symptoms are the same but she gets extremely tired. She says no. I am awake and alert since 9am. It is now 11am. Not DKA. Is it possible my 62 yr old mother had a stroke? Internal panic. Strokes can be deadly. How long she been this way? I got to tell my boss. Should I call ambulance? I got to go. So I tell her well I need to finish a few things and I will call you in 20 mins and hang up. 20 mins my butt. I message my boss, throw on some clothes and head there.

I call her while driving to see if anything changed. It hadnt. Still the same. Lord please dont let me get stopped for speeding. While talking to her I let her know I am 10 mins out and if sge had stroke we are going to ER. She said no, let's call my dr. Lady are you freaking crazy?! Call your dr for what? To meet us at ER? Yes mama we can call but I think they will agree to go to ER.

I am there and start to access her. She is moving slowly and with a limp. Is the right side of he face drooping a little? Mama can you smile? Yep there is a droop. I call her dr whose nurse said go to ER. My mother says I have to fix my hair. Mama no one cares what you look lik. Dont she know time is of the essence. She wont go without her hair combed. Fine. Let me do it then.

Finally, we are on the road. Lord dont let anything happen while we are driving. Lord let this all be ok and we are wrong. I know what happens with DKA. ER is packed. All these people cant be sick enough for ER. I explain to checkin nurse and they wheel her back immediately. An eternity goes by, well like 20 mins , and they say you can come with her. We will take her for CT scan in a few. Sure enough they come and she is back in 5 mins flat. Then we wait. And wait and wait. 9hrs. That's how long before a room was available. So I guess she wasn't serious enough. 10 mins and dr does assessment. He says we also believe you had a stroke but not sure of cause. Good thing is there is no bleeding. I guess that explains the 9hr wait. He says you will be staying with us for a few while we try to determine cause and treatment and monitor you. Lord please dont let there be a 9hr wait for a bed. 90 mins later she is in ICU. She explains that she has had symptoms since 4am. WTH?!? I want to fuss at her but dont. If she is as scared as I am it wont help. Both dr and I notice her speech isnt as slurred but she still has to think about how to say a word. Her weakness on right is still present but stronger now. The droop in her face is visible but not as crooked. Her body is recovering. She spends the next  4 days at hospital showing progress.  The cause is a blood clot possibly cause by atrial fibrillation. It isnt constant as never showed up in hospital. Physical therapy and speech therapy needed. Of course blood thinners as well.

So that should be the end, no. The dr advises that although this was mild the likelihood of another in 90 days was high. Excuse me sir? So she could have a bigger one soon? That is when the anxiety set in. She cant be alone for awhile. Not just because of that but she is still unstable on her feet.  So I send my niece to stay with her until Christmas Eve. I tell her what to look out for. She already knows what to look out for on her diabetes. Now she knows for a stroke. My mother is married but her husband works nights. So do I need to move in for a few days? She doesnt want me there but I may need to. She is not going to take Life Alert bracelet. She also diesnt want me to move in because she wants to be independent. So I am giving her leeway. But I am internally panicking everytime she calls.  Does she sound ok? Why she didnt answer my call? Why she not answering my text? She got 10 mins then I am going over there.

This is my daily battle on top of everything else. And right now I just want to cry those feelings away with a safe person in a safe place. I have the place but not the person so it looks more pathetic than anything. For now, it will hve to do.

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I am so so sorry you're going through this, it's so hard having a parent that is going through health stuff. I've done the same with my friends and family, they all seem to be more like strangers these days. It is not pathetic to cry alone and I understand, we all need someone to sit with and just be in a moment with. Even if it's been a while and it's hard, maybe try reaching out to someone? I hope you find some peace and someone you trust that you can sit with ❤️ 

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First let me apologize for such a lte response. Second, thank you! Sometimes a reminder that I am allowed to feel things is needed.

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