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Some days...


aprilbaby49

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I finally reported.  I felt sick to my stomach.  I felt as though I was watching myself.  The number of years I had longed to tell an officer my story and it was happening.  I can't describe how it felt to tell another person, not my counselor, or you guys, or my support group.  I hope for the best, and is the best being he is held accountable, yes.  I fear nothing will come of it, and I will be heart broken.  I read an entry this morning about apologies.  Ever since that day, I no longer let that person have an impact on me.  I no longer want to seek an apology that I will never get.  I told when reporting if it did make it to a trial, I would be happy to sit in a room with him to be able to confront him, and ask why he could do such a thing, and lie year after year after year.    If words could only express how my heart really feels.  The saddness of knowing he thinks what he did is okay.   I live with the fact that I did not give him consent, that is really what I want everyone to know.  I did not willingly participate either night, and why was this able to happen.  I can not question the past,  I can only live and look forward to the future, but some days.....i'll tell ya.  Looking at the bigger picture,  are we specially picked for this kind of thing to happen.  The individuals that know they were raped and assaulted,  what a terrible thing.  Then, to see the world depicting love and couples in love making love.  While I struggle thinking of the disrespect done to me.  I find most blogs and entries to be expressing the anger, pain, panic, hurt, we experience.  Why should we be the ones experiencing those negative emotions, why not our attackers.   I do not trust because of this, and I am not afraid to admit that.  I do not push my internal anger towards others.  I think I put myself in that situation, AND I didn't ask for it to happen.  I do not blame myself,  but then when we have moments of those memories approaching our minds, if we tell ourselves to not let him have control over how we are feeling today in this moment I then think if you had never been there what would life be like today.  I hate thinking that way, why look back and think if this didn't happen where would I be?  I find comfort in reading other entries.  Before it seemed like no one I knew of went through something like me.  Some days, I can read others stories and feel like I am not alone, which is a good feeling.  And i want more of those less of the bad.

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That is a very brave thing you did. It sounds very, very difficult. I have dreamed of reporting on my abusers but have not yet made that step. It is terrifying. You mention many of the things that I also worry about if I would report. Will anything happen? Will I just suffer more? Yes, it is heartbreaking to hear that your abuser believes that what he did is okay. As you have clearly stated, it never was your fault. It was 100% his fault and he deserves to be punished. The aftermath of abuse is real, unfair, heartbreakingly painful, and the ripple effects carry so far. I'm so sorry that you experienced this abuse. You did not deserve it. I have suffered much abuse and I have wondered what life would be like without all the past pain and trauma. Just know, you are not alone. There is this beautiful AS community that have hearts of gold, even if they have went through the fire. Thank you for trusting us as you share your story and as you model bravery.

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