Emotions are a tornado of unpredictable twists and gusts aren't they, and they're frightening when we've never allowed ourselves to be near them before. As these whirlwinds gather strength, they collect debris that swirls around us and occasionally whacks us round the head as we strive to keep our balance and avoid harm. Then the tornado passes leaving a flattened landscape, and we rebuild, add new, stronger reinforcements to the fresh structures that help us feel safe and wait for the next one.
Emotions are fresh and unfamiliar when the 'I'm fine mask' doesn't fit any more, and it's tough learning how to ride them when they hit us. Emotions can be so strong when we're out in the open away from our 'reinforced structures' that feel secure.
I don't know if you feel the same and/or can relate to this, dear reader, but I'm finding emotions challenging to negotiate right now, but I'm on the right path.
Learning to feel and express anger is a multi-layered trifle of sickly sweet gloop that I want to take into a private, sound-proofed room and throw at a wall.
The sadness and grief makes me feel like I'm haunting my own house - no one can see me and they're unwilling to believe I exist... or they see a glimpse and avoid contact because they're scared of ghosts.
Happiness is an odd one! I'm bloomin' well loving the legal high I get from feeling happy! But there's that weight of guilt hanging on my back telling me I don't deserve good things.
The last few months have been a proper storm of trifles and ghosts, and the uphoric highs have made me question if I'm allowed to enjoy them or not.
I'm in the process of learning how to fly like Harry Potter on a Nimbus 2000 broom during tornados - looking for the eye of the storm where it's meant to be calmer. I'm searching for a room with adequate sound-proofing and walls big enough for the trifle that's going to be zooming towards it. I'm learning how to feel more solid and use a voice that can be heard. I'm facing ghosts from my past and learning how to put them to rest without burying them. I'm tentatively prodding the legal highs of happiness to see if they're safe to accept, and then dancing (in my head) like a kid on a sugar rush because I can't contain the joy of feeling so alive. So that's a good start, and I value that.
Dear reader - whatever emotions come your way, know that you're not swirling around in your tornado clutching a trifle alone. When you're high on the good things in life it's your right to enjoy it... and after/during all the turmoil you deserve a good laugh and smiles that can be seen from space. You never need to earn good things, but after what you've been through/are going through, anyone with a brain can see you deserve a break. And when you're feeling like a ghost we're keen to listen... we see, hear and believe in you.