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Brain Dumps

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Dear Amy, who knew



Dear Amy,

    I don't know why I decided to wait this long to write this (and never send it to you) but here we are. I realize you had a lot going on that year personally, I really do, but you need to know that the way you treated me was not ok. I was the child, you were the adult. Now that I am the same age you were back then, I cannot imagine behaving the way you did towards any child.

    I had no one that year--no one. You knew that, and you put YOURSELF in a position to become my surrogate parent. YOU did. Not me. You watched me try to work through things alone and knew things no one else knew while I was crashing and burning. You saw me come in day after day with puffy eyes from crying all night and, without prompting, suggested I get a mask shaped ice pack to help. You knew I was stressed as fuck and called my house when I didn't come to school because of it, got my assignments via email at 3am on a regular fucking basis, and witnessed the desperation I had but was hiding as well as I could. You saw it.

    The worst thing of all was that you knew. You fucking knew. You sat up there on your high horse and made that giant speech about how to are required by law to report certain things as a warning. Where the fuck were you on this one? I don't know what your thought process was here. Maybe you thought you were protecting me, and if you had asked me if I wanted help, I would have said no. And I would have been so pissed at you for years if you had reported it. The thing is, this is why ADULTS are the mandated reporters and the children are left to make the decision. Did you really think I had it all under control while I was sitting on the classroom floor, curled in a ball, having a panic attack?

     Here's a tip most people don't know: no one, whether they are 15, 18, 33, or 52, handles being raped well--ESPECIALLY alone. This is a fucking fact. I used to think I handled it wrong, like a child would vs how I perceived an adult would, but that's not true. How I handled it was exactly the same way most adults do. It's a fucking struggle, painful, unforgiving...but it's much easier WITH HELP, with someone on your side. You were the ONLY adult who knew. Just you. And you chose not to find me that help.

     Instead you took turns caring about me and being there, and then imploding like a petulant child with giant tantrums AT me like you hated me. I have spent my whole fucking life managing people like this--people like you. It was not my job to manage your emotions. And I just sat there and took it because by that point I hated myself so much that I felt that's what I deserved and had to put up with if I wanted to keep anyone in my life who cared about me. Even after you left, you continued to respond in unpredictable ways to connection--either caring, or completely berating me when I had done nothing to provoke it. Then I would apologize to YOU because you were all I had and I was afraid.

     But you know what? I don't have to put up with anyone's bullshit. I don't deserve it. And I don't have to be perfectly agreeable and walk on eggshells all the time to be worthy--to be loveable. I'm worthy as I am. I am enough. I did not deserve to be treated like that by you or anyone else. I deserved so much better.

     I'm never going to send this to you. I honestly don't think you're the kind of person who takes responsibility for things, ever. I don't know if you're better or not but I expect if you are and you wanted to take ownership, you knew how to reach me. But I hope that you are. I hope that you're happy now. I hope you no longer leave a trail of destruction behind you as you walk away anymore. It sucks not being happy--for both you and everyone else, apparently.

     I hope I never see or talk to you again. But I do hope you're happy.

Now please fuck off.


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