What he said to me has been repeating in my brain a lot recently, apparently writing it out can help so here go’s:

L

”Can we have sex, one last time?”

S

*shakes head? Says no? Definitely a negatory response. 

L

 *grabs wrists/pushes S back / applies handcuffs

S

(A moment of panic, one wrist free, what would happen if I tried to fight him off? mind floods with possible outcomes: freedom....beaten then raped.....running naked onto a busy street....the anger in his eyes, he’s trying to hide it but he can’t.... no wrists free). “L I don’t want to do this”

L

“Yes you do” *tickles S*

S

(Don’t play along, don’t laugh)

L

*looking even more pi$$ed off*

S

(He’s getting more angry) *tiny giggle, “L I don’t want to”

L

*switches to pinching S nipples* 

S

(Grit your teeth, don’t play along)

L

“I can give you pain or pleasure it’s your choice“

S

“I don’t want to do this”

L

“You decide or I will”

S

“I don’t want to, please let me go”

L

“ I could just have sex with you now if I wanted, there’s nothing you can do about it”

S
(Brain shocked into complete blankness, mouth acting totally independently: “or I could just give you a blow job, but you’d have to take the handcuffs off me first”

L

Looking pleasantly surprised, “really? Ok” takes off the handcuffs

S

(Brain reeling, trying to catch up, good plan, now we can run, but he’s still staring at me like a hawk watching some kind of small prey animal, where would I run to totally naked? Brain gives up and temporarily shuts down, body does what’s expected of it under his glare, then breaks down crying...)