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Unspoken Words



My daily schedule is abnormal, to say the least, since it has been so long since I held a job (a little over 8 years). I typically sleep from 4 or 5:00 am until 1 or 2:00 pm, give or take, anywhere from 8-10 hours per day, depending on my physical and emotional needs. The reason for this odd sleeping pattern is due to my boyfriend's job, which is second-shift hours.

Though, perhaps, not ideal, these hours have worked for us for several years because my boyfriend and I are both night owls. Comfort can be found in the wee hours of the morning with peace and quiet that only those hours seem to afford - peace and quiet that I cannot get at any other time of day where we currently live.

Above all else, my resting period is by far the most important aspect of protecting my sanity, which is why today's therapy appointment was a complete bust. My appointment was scheduled for 11:00 am, technically the middle of my "night." I suppose I could have rescheduled this appointment for another time (I didn't notice the time slot on the card until after I left the last appointment); but considering that I'm lucky to get an appointment every three weeks, I didn't want to risk having to wait even longer for another one.

I struggled to make myself get into bed at 1:30 am this morning in order to be up by 9:00 am, only to toss and turn for the next 2 hours. I only got a little over 5 hours of sleep which left me cranky and not in the mood to talk at all! Any less than 8 hours of sleep, and, yeah, I'm pretty much worthless for the day. I know that I function poorly on less sleep which is why I dislike, no, detest having this routine screwed up. It has taken me years to understand what "I" need; and this is one of those "non-negotiable, must have requirements to function properly" things.

I thought that I had made myself clear about the reasons I preferred afternoon appointments to my therapist the first two times I discussed it with him; but I reiterated them again today for the first 10 minutes of the appointment. Honestly, I cannot even remember what he said to me after I finished my spiel. Maybe, it was lack of sleep. Maybe, I dissociated. Nevertheless, the only impression I took away from today's appointment was that my therapist was distracted and seemingly uninterested in what I was saying (on his computer part of the time and on his cell phone a couple

of times). He did, at least, schedule the next one (another 3 weeks away) for the afternoon.

After only three appointments with this new therapist, therapy is leaving me feeling disappointed, unheard, and generally hopeless. It took so much for me to get back into therapy again after a five year long break from psychiatry. I had hoped this time might be different, that I might actually be able to work through a lot of the issues that still cause me distress. Unfortunately, there really aren't many choices for therapy where I live, especially since I have no health insurance and no money of my own to purchase such things (I guess, I'm a criminal, now, for that?); but I have to make the best out of this experience with this therapist.

The unspoken words I heard today were, "Conform or don't waste my time."


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