So I stopped writing because I felt I wasnt writing anything new. Just repeating the same old same old. The problem is my mind didnt stop thinking the same old stuff. It still thinks and functions like the thought is new.

I am losing at this battle. I have turned further inward. I am cutting people out. I am losing trust and faith and hope. I didnt have a lot of any to start with so losing a drop of any is something I cant afford. I cant/wont speak/write about it. I just want to cry them away. Cry out what I cant put into words. Cry for those things I blame myself for. Cry out of frustration. Cry out of sadness. Cry out of secret depression. 

I have lost myself but I think I lost that before I ever knew who I was. Life changed me from finding that to becoming this. Victim mentality? Probably. But in many ways that it what I feel like. Who I was feel victim to what happened. Who I am is trapped by that. Trapped in negative thoughts. Trapped by no progress. That is probably why therapy hasnt worked. That is why I lose those that I get close to. They see my trapped situation for what it is. A person living in a past that they wont let go. And they dont want to be sucked into that hole with me. They dont want to be trapped by a situation they didnt experience. I get it. I understand. I just wish escaping that easy was that simple for me. Even when I am not consciously thinking about it, I still feel it hovering. I then realize that something set that in motion. A movie scene, someone's words, a smell, a touch, a seemingly random thought.