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I'm So Angry.



I'm so angry, and I don't know what to do. Usually I can work through it, breathe, and calm myself enough to rationalize and find out what's really bothering me. Today I feel clouded. All of my senses are heightened, but to extents I feel as if I can't control. I don't understand what is happening to me. I have so much fear and rage and sadness all bubbling up with so much pressure I feel like I'm going to just snap. I need to get it under control. I need to figure out a way to work through this.

There's so much I want to say. I wish I would have kept a journal right from the beginning. I wrote bits and pieces, but nothing to justify everything that I've gone through. If only I could explain in a sitting to someone just how exactly I feel. To explain to them all of the things I want to say, however, I don't believe I could find the words. If only there was someone who already knew everything. A person who was there every step of the way so that I could just vent to them without having to answer a billion questions. I feel angry at myself, angry towards my family, angry with my friends. I'm angry at everyone. I feel the urge to cry. The urge to cut. There's so much darkness that's taking it upon itself to swallow me up whole.

I'm scared. And there's no one I can talk to who will understand that. There's no one there I can just run to and cry. I feel so helpless. I feel so lost again.. I haven't felt this way since I shut everything off. I'm not numb anymore. I miss that. I feel everything right now and it's the most overwhelmed I have ever felt in my life. I don't know what to do.


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I used to cut and my arms are pretty scared. Back in 91 when my 2 youngest sons were in foster care because I was to terrified of them to raise them and could not control them I had so much pain because being in foster care myself or rather kidnapped for 6 years and used for slave labor, I knew the pain and abandonment my young sons were feeling and I felt their pain and my pain and the physical pain from cutting would distract me from my emotional pain and also I could punish myself for failing my sons. I started taking Navane ,an antipsycodic and quit cutting in two weeks. I pray you will find freedom. Jubiii

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Jubiii, (hugs) if that's okay. Again I'm so sorry for all of your losses and pains you've had to endure. I believe it was good, and selfless of you to let your sons go to new homes when you felt you couldn't take proper care of them. I haven't cut, I've kept myself from doing it through a wide variety of things, and I'm proud of myself for that. I will keep working through this as I know you are. Thank you for your words.


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