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Pure Anxiety


Zoe--Anastasia

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I feel angry right now. I feel so JEALOUS. I suffer from insufferable panic attacks. This week I have been doing something I shouldn't, where I am taking Klonopin around 9pm to help with my night time anxiety. I always tell myself and others, I only take it when I need it, as to not come off as some drug addict. Completely ashamed every time I reach for the bottle. Tomorrow I have to call my psych and tell her my script is running low, even though she only filled it 3 months ago. I know she's going to wonder and question me and my biggest fear is that she won't refill it. This isn't because I like to take them to get high but it is because they are my only relief when I find my heart racing and I am in a state of fight or flight. Sometimes I'll take them preventively, because I hate waiting the 40 minutes for them to work when I feel scared. I know I should be using my grounding techniques, deep breathing and meditation but I get so uncontrollably scared. 

I feel jealous because I wonder what it must be like to live anxiety free. I wouldn't even mind some slight social anxiety or a jittery feeling here or there. I was on Youtube a little while ago and I found a channel of a young girl who recently went through a lot of weight loss and now she's in a state of self-discovery. She's 24, she has her own apartment, she makes herself coffee every morning, she walks outside alone, she takes busses and trains, she visits her boyfriend at his job where he is a bartender. And it all looked so beautiful and free. I remember that feeling, I remember getting in my car and driving to Dunkin Donuts (on my own) and getting my coffee, and sipping it while I drove 20 minutes to MY boyfriends apartment... hair done, makeup done, feeling so incredibly confident and free. I am in literal tears as I write this right now. 

Now, I'm 27. I have never lived alone and I am unable. I no longer drive, I haven't in two years. I also am never alone because I panic and freak out. I can't remember the last time I relaxed, enjoyed and was calm. 100% calm. No jitters, no worry about a panic attack, no tenseness in my jaw, my knees and my wrists. I don't walk outside by myself, no more than 2 blocks. I don't travel back and forth anywhere. Boyfriend...gone. Confidence...gone. Triumph... I don't remember what that feels like, because it is always influenced by the company of someone I trust (mom or ex boyfriend-that's it) or medication. I have never been so desperate, depressed, sad... and oddly enough, lonely... because I never get to experience the time to be alone where people are excited to see me and I am excited to see them. I don't drink coffee anymore, I check the caffeine level of EVERYTHING, I'm scared to be in an elevator, I'm scared to get locked in rooms (???) so I check doorknobs, one time, two times, three times... opening and closing, twisting the knob over and over. I become paranoid... there's someone watching me... 

This week I started the journey of searching for a partial care hospital program. I am terrified of what that is going to mean for me, how that is going to alter my life. But at the same time I am excited. I can't feel this anymore, I can't do this anymore. 

 

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I understand your emotions so well that I myself became angry when reading this post. God, I know that, man. I would really like to suggest that you calm down and try to take control of the situation, but if you can't do it on your own, then I advise you to try red vein kratom, as it is very effective. I would also like to tell you that everything in life is as it should be and we can't change anything, but only correct it. Just be stronger than all of this and start helping yourself if possible

Edited by Pipermania
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I am terribly sorry that this happened to you, I hope that you find some form of a therapy program. I believe that you will overcome this crisis and become a better person by the end of it. My panic attacks weren’t as strong or prevalent as yours, but on some level I can relate to what you must be going through. Thankfully, my solution was simply talking with my loved ones about my problems and just start talking with random people or at the very least just say hi to them.I also used bentuangie kratom to help me relax and keep calm while I was trying to become used to socializing with people.

Edited by Risguson
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I know what you are talking about. Mental health is extremely important, especially in our stressful times. I convinced myself that everything comes from our minds. If you're relaxed and sufficiently rested you're healthy, thus, you can do anything. However, I know that it's quite challenging to keep calm when working and living in an environment that generates a lot of tension. For this reason, I take small doses of CBD oil. It's a very accessible remedy for anxiety and lack of sleep. The price is really good. When I need to buy larger quantities, I use these promo codes https://www.healthcanal.com/coupon/cbdfx in order to benefit from good offers. You should definitely try it. It's really working.

Edited by Veriton
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