I feel angry right now. I feel so JEALOUS. I suffer from insufferable panic attacks. This week I have been doing something I shouldn't, where I am taking Klonopin around 9pm to help with my night time anxiety. I always tell myself and others, I only take it when I need it, as to not come off as some drug addict. Completely ashamed every time I reach for the bottle. Tomorrow I have to call my psych and tell her my script is running low, even though she only filled it 3 months ago. I know she's going to wonder and question me and my biggest fear is that she won't refill it. This isn't because I like to take them to get high but it is because they are my only relief when I find my heart racing and I am in a state of fight or flight. Sometimes I'll take them preventively, because I hate waiting the 40 minutes for them to work when I feel scared. I know I should be using my grounding techniques, deep breathing and meditation but I get so uncontrollably scared.
I feel jealous because I wonder what it must be like to live anxiety free. I wouldn't even mind some slight social anxiety or a jittery feeling here or there. I was on Youtube a little while ago and I found a channel of a young girl who recently went through a lot of weight loss and now she's in a state of self-discovery. She's 24, she has her own apartment, she makes herself coffee every morning, she walks outside alone, she takes busses and trains, she visits her boyfriend at his job where he is a bartender. And it all looked so beautiful and free. I remember that feeling, I remember getting in my car and driving to Dunkin Donuts (on my own) and getting my coffee, and sipping it while I drove 20 minutes to MY boyfriends apartment... hair done, makeup done, feeling so incredibly confident and free. I am in literal tears as I write this right now.
Now, I'm 27. I have never lived alone and I am unable. I no longer drive, I haven't in two years. I also am never alone because I panic and freak out. I can't remember the last time I relaxed, enjoyed and was calm. 100% calm. No jitters, no worry about a panic attack, no tenseness in my jaw, my knees and my wrists. I don't walk outside by myself, no more than 2 blocks. I don't travel back and forth anywhere. Boyfriend...gone. Confidence...gone. Triumph... I don't remember what that feels like, because it is always influenced by the company of someone I trust (mom or ex boyfriend-that's it) or medication. I have never been so desperate, depressed, sad... and oddly enough, lonely... because I never get to experience the time to be alone where people are excited to see me and I am excited to see them. I don't drink coffee anymore, I check the caffeine level of EVERYTHING, I'm scared to be in an elevator, I'm scared to get locked in rooms (???) so I check doorknobs, one time, two times, three times... opening and closing, twisting the knob over and over. I become paranoid... there's someone watching me...
This week I started the journey of searching for a partial care hospital program. I am terrified of what that is going to mean for me, how that is going to alter my life. But at the same time I am excited. I can't feel this anymore, I can't do this anymore.