I'm new to this and unsure about the whole "online talk therapy" thing, but I'm just giving it a shot because it honestly feels like a diary entry with feedback.
Something happened today and it has happened before.
My partner and I used to be very very sexually involved. Like there was a fire between us! But these days, ever since I started uncovering my real sexual trauma, I shiver at the sight of his or my naked body and feel like I'm being ripped apart by any loving touch. This is new for me, it has been happening about 5-6 months but for the first time in my life. I used to have such a heavy sex drive and these days even when my body wants it, my mind can't get on board. Sometimes we can be involved and it will go smoothly until afterwards I find myself having a panic attack. I can't seem to differentiate the touch of my partner to the feeling of being raped. I feel ashamed, guilty, unattractive, needy, and like I am going to drive him off into the arms of another woman because I'm not the same girl I used to be.
He has never made any indication of my trauma being a problem for our relationship, but it does affect us both. He feels unwanted and we both are unfulfilled. I'm very sad about it. I honestly don't know what to do! My counselor (who just moved on to a new facility) and I had talked about the issues before, but I don't feel much healing going on. I need alternatives and I need to fix this.
RANT: I'm only 21 years old and I have no sex drive. I don't find my partner attractive right now because that feeling brings on the worry of intimacy and I can't handle that. I'm losing myself and my relationship to the rape of my body years ago. I'm so mad!
Anyway... I know a lot of people have dealt with this to, but I've never actually had any confirmation for my personal situation. It would be really nice to know i'm not alone.