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Healing, what would it be



What does healing look like for me? I ask myself this question often and the answer is pretty much the same. I just want to be content. Happiness seems like a goal of perfection. I want it but I know it isnt really possible. So I settle for what is possible. I dont think that is asking too much. Like I just want to be sure that I learn and grow from the past.

What does healing look like? It means I sleep like a normal person. Bed at a decent hour and up at a decent hour. Most importantly, I stay sleep. I actually get rest. Rest that isnt either deeply troubled by dreams or interrupted 3 hrs in. It would mean that I am not constantly fighting sadness and depression. Hell, bordering suicidal at times. The hurt from the past gets its chance to be fully felt and it doesnt hurt as much. The physical hurt from the act cant be felt anymore. I no longer feel the act. 

What does healing look like for me? I like myself. I know who I am and want I want and I am ok with it. I am ok which makes mostly everyone else ok too. I dont feel disgusted by what I see. I am not ashamed by who I presemt to the world. The world sees me with no filter or masks. I forgive me. Forgive myself for being too young to understand. Too young to know the right thing. Forgive myself for being scared to do the right thing when asked. Forgiving myself for blaming me for not being able to speak. That my mind and body couldnt move past the shame to speak my truth. I forgive them. First, I gotta blame them but then forgive them. Accept that I will never know why they did it and forgive them anyway. 

Whew...I think writing these down and seeing what I want is hard and it's not all. That's hard to see the broken parts. There's a lot and it all feels impossible. It feels like playing the lottery. You play knowing you will never win but if you do the rewards are immeasurable.


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