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marcyabadeer

Entry posted by marcyabadeer in Blogs ·

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Followers 3

đŸ€ą

:triggering2:

These situations are the first ones I can remember where my personal space began being invaded. Before the actual sexual touching these things stand out as I guess what I would consider "grooming" even though I never considered myself "groomed" by him because he was never really nice to me, he just intimidated me.

I had asked a question one time close to the end of class but he ended up fucking around until the bell went off. After class I just stayed in my seat. He went to do something on the other side of the room where his writing desk and filing cabinets were. Everyone was clearing out. By time he was answering me, we were alone. He sat down beside me and looked me in my eyes and that was when he commented on my eyes. "I have never seen eyes that color before, they're very pretty". He said something about us being alone and I laughed because I didn't know what else to do. We discussed whatever I was asking about. I was trying to rush it along assuming students would walk in any second. He said he didn't have a class next period. He made a sighing sound and then he sat his hand on my leg and moved it closer to my private than to my knee and he lightly squeezed. I tensed and he took his hand off my leg fast. He said “I shouldn’t have done that” and then I said I was sorry for some reason and awkwardly left after that, not really taking it serious.

When he had commented on my eyes I remember him looking into my eyes, closer than I imagined he would ever be. It felt so intrusive and intimidating.


“Hey (my nickname), I need your help” he wanted me to write these award/papers out to students- basically I had to print their full names on these papers in the order he had them listed. They were rewards- I can't remember which one or ones he gave me but I do remember making one out to a guy in our class for the "Wake and Bake Award" because he always smelled like weed in the morning LOL. Anyways, he had me sit down at his writing desk and when he handed me the papers he stood over me talking to me about what I was supposed to do. I was listening intently and then the next thing I remember he was leaning against/ sitting on the desk facing me and he reached his right hand down and put his hand on my thigh in between my legs. He started moving his fingers up, making them climb up my thigh and then he started touching my thigh a little harder, one finger after the other. I squirmed and thought he was tickling me or something for some reason but it felt weird because no one ever did anything like that before. I thought it was personal space for a second but then I quickly told myself there is no way he meant anything by it really. It had to have been something I misunderstood. It had to have been less than a minute that this went on. I saw someone walking toward the room and I think I must have jerked away or something because he got the point and pulled his hand away from me quickly. He stayed leaning against the desk though and then made it look like he was bending over and working on his filing cabinet and desk drawers.

I remember when other guys would do this kind of thing to me after this incident and I wondered why. So I asked one guy once and he told me he just wanted to touch my body. I was thankful for his honesty, but it took me aback some. So I don't really understand why he would have done it unless he was being pervy.

Then, this last thing happened right before he took me home from school and things officially got physical. I was helping him and other students set up his room for a class active project we were planning to do, re-enacting trench warfare. I was on my hands and knees moving cords with like two other students when he grabbed me from behind. He grabbed me really hard and his fingers touched my privates. I remember thinking maybe it was an accident he grabbed me so much. I remember feeling violated though because his fingers moved on me down there. I jerked my body away completely out of instinct. But I thought “that had to be an accident”. I waited a few seconds to look at him for some reason I didn’t want to look at him right away. By time I looked at him he was doing something facing away from me so I didn’t get to see what his face would have told me. Once he did catch my eyes again, he winked at me. I was so confused after this and I guess waiting for the next thing to happen to see if I was right about the vibes he was giving me. I had entirely convinced myself though that these things weren't as serious as I thought, had to be an accident or something. HAD to be. Maybe I am foolish for not taking it more serious. I took a ride home from school after these things and I feel dumb for that. Things escalated beyond anything I ever could have thought and the things he did still haunt me to this very minute.

đŸŒ»

Edited by marcyabadeer

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Celia

I would never think you were stupid, especially in that situation.  I am so sorry that you went through all of that and that it keeps coming back to you.  Please know and remember that what happened is not your fault by any means.  There are so many people in this world who actually find joy in doing things like this to other people, especially teenagers and kids because they know that they are vulnerable and will just think that it's "okay."  

Sitting with you and safe hugs if okay :console:

 

~Sandra 🐈

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marcyabadeer

@Celia thank you :cry:i think I remain hard on myself because idk how else to be. Although a piece of me is genuinely surprised you don’t think I am stupid or foolish or ignorant- something. 
 

I just wish I could know why or why me. I obsess with finding answers and since I can’t ask him I guess my default is to go to the memories and I cringe thinking about the things that happened before I knew what he was capable of :( it’s numbing! 
 

thank you for sitting with me and the safe hugs- safe hugs back to you :hug:

samđŸ–€đŸŒ»

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Houston

Oh Sam :( I'm so sorry this happened to you. You are not stupid at all. This pervert used his position and took advantage of the situation. 

 

"I had entirely convinced myself though that these things weren't as serious as I thought, had to be an accident or something. HAD to be."

I think the thought of something like this happening to a person (especially a child) may be too difficult for the mind to confront, so telling yourself it wasn't that serious may have just been your brain trying to protect itself from the reality of the situation. I think that your abuser being a teacher made it even more challenging to believe because he was supposed to be the adult, a professional, someone who was supposed to care for and protect you. Instead, the fucking depraved bastard hurt you. :( I'm sorry for this...you should have been safe. 

Sitting with you/safe hugs if okay? :hug:

-Kim

(sorry for the foul language... đŸ€)

Edited by Houston
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marcyabadeer

@Houston Kim :cry:thank you for your validation. It’s pretty messed up to be honest- we all let the victim blaming culture alter how we view the situations we experienced. Even if it is blatantly rape/ assault/ abuse I think the idea of telling our stories we feel the need to almost be defense attorneys questioning our own credibility in all of this. I don’t think that’s very fair. And I’m mad it’s the way things are. It shouldn’t be like this. I don’t want to think these ways. I would never discredit anyone else and it’s maddening we are so quick to do this to ourselves. 
 

:hug:

 

samđŸŒ»

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Houston
6 minutes ago, samantha2009 said:

I think the idea of telling our stories we feel the need to almost be defense attorneys questioning our own credibility in all of this. I don’t think that’s very fair.

You said this perfectly. We shouldn't have to feel like we need to interrogate ourselves about things that were out of our control. You were and are completely blameless Sam.

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marcyabadeer
3 hours ago, Houston said:

You said this perfectly. We shouldn't have to feel like we need to interrogate ourselves about things that were out of our control. You were and are completely blameless Sam.

Thank you Kim. I hope you can feel and know that you are blameless also friend :hug:we just need to remind each other I guess because our own minds won’t allow us to believe it yet đŸŒ»

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