You know, I started this journey because I needed to make an effort to deal with my past. But I am no better off than when I started 11 years ago. I thought I would eventually be able to say the words. That I would learn the skills to deal with this in a healthy manner. But I fear I am in the same position. I am still holding on to it and holding back from others.
Just when I believe I am making progress, something happens and I realize I am not. I still push away everyone. I stop calling. I stop texting. I stop trying to be a part of the conversation. Sometimes there is something that I believe justifies it. Sometimes I justify it as necessary. There is no way I will be that vulnerable again. Itxs not fair to those I push away. They are clueless to the reason. Hell, they may even be happy to not have to try so hard too. At the end of the day, I am still in the same spot as I was, holding on and holding back.
I am trapped. Trapped in my mind and my past. Both are breeding negativity. Both are a prison that I built but I also hold the keys.
I just want to be able to look back and say I forgive me and them. I just want to say 'this is how it made me feel' instead of 'this is how it makes me feel'. It feels like every day it happens again. Every day still feels like the first time. Every day brings the same hurt and pain. Every day it be comes harder to take care of myself. And everywhere I turn, there are reminders. Reminders that these things still happen. There are still people who exert their power. There are still people who take away things they have no right to. They take away things that dont belong to them. Once they take it, you may never get it back. I miss having innocence. I wish I knew what trusting someone felt like. I am working on understanding love. I want to know what it feels like to give it and receive it. I want to know the path I could have taken if they hadnt come along and changed it.
And it's a dangerous path looking at what could have been. It's also hard not to.
So 11 years and here I am. Friends gained and lost. Steps forward to go all the way back. Feeling just as sad as I did when I started. Feeling just as hopeless as before. The main goal now is to not get committed to a hospital. I dont think I could fake my way through it. There are others that count on me for support they need.