A bit of honesty? A bit of truth?
The fact is I am terribly lost in this huge world. I am surrounded by people but still totally lost. I keep trying to follow the rules but the rules keep changing. I keep trying to make a path to a happy life. There are all these...detours. And they can bring so much pain and hurt. They change the the path you were on.
I want so bad to be free from this 'thing' that happened. Some days it doesnt even feel like it happened to me. Like that isnt possible to happen to me. Then there are those times when I cant escape that it happened to me. I cant escape the emptiness it created. I cant escape the shame. I cant escape the fear. I wish I could even speak the 'thing' but I cant. Not for myself at least. How do you put words to a thing you werent even old enough to understand? How do you explain the need to be even more invisible? Undesirable? How do you put that into words for someone who hasnt experienced the 'thing'?
So to avoid the 'thing' you do everything you can. You run. You hide. You ignore the 'thing' and anyone associated with it. You add an invisible shelter around yourself. Never letting anyone too close. Never being too open. Always keeping the most scared part of yourself sacred. You know that this is wrong but how else do you keep living in this life if you dont. Because when you look out at the world behind your invisible wall you see nothing good. You see danger. You see hate. You fear everything and everyone.
I can tell you what happened but do you really understand what that means? What that does to a person? Do you know that moving forward is hard? It's even harder when you feel unsupported, unwanted and unloved. It doesnt matter if you helped contribute to some of it. You cant always see that. All you can see is that you are alone in this. You are the only one who can feel the unspoken.
There are days you can 'forget'. You can move through the world. There are times where you must wear the mask. You havent forgotten but you push through the day until the end so you can take off the mask. Then there are the rest. The days you cant even pretend anymore. Yo sit and watch the world moving on and wondering how they can. How do they no see the danger? Why are they not hiding and trying to be as invisible as you?
You head hurts from all the chaos. The chaos in your mind and the chaos in the world. The more I try to make sense of it the more chaotic things become. You try to fix one thing and 6 more come up. And fixing those you realize you never fixed the first one so you must start all over. Now you dont know where to begin.
It's all so hard. It's all so draining. I keep thinking now may be a good time to try therapy again. But what does that look like during a pandemic? Virtual sessions? No, I cant. The pandemic is an excuse. I probably wouldnt go anyway. And if I went once, I would never go back. I cant even discuss with the people I am closest to how do I tell a stranger? I cant admit it to myself even.
I really dont know what else to do at this point. Like I am at a complete loss. I cant move past it. I cant do what is needed to begin the process to move past it and that hurts. That maybe one of the more painful things. It means I am stuck this way forever. Stuck in misery and fear. Stuck in a past that blocks any future. Stuck alone. That's what I have to learn to accept. The living with lonliness and fear in a world that many times I dont want to be a part of.
I havent taken one of my drives. The ones that allow me to think uninterrupted by home. I think given my current mindset, it may be less productive. What do I want? For someone to see the unspoken. For someone to be able to comfort those unspoken words. I dont think that is possible though. I guess I feel like the answer that will be given is no one can comfort me but me and I just dont know how to do that. So the sleepless nights will continue. The pushing away will continue. The silence will continue. The misery will continue. Will it continue because I want it to or because it just cant be comforted.
People say there is no one beyond help although everyone feels like they are. I am not sure I fully believe them. It feels like I am an exception to the rule. I am the square trying its best to fit in a circle. Trying to shave the corners so she can fit in with the rest of the world. Trying to pave a way from a past that I just am walking in circles.