This is a journal entry I have held private from posting to my blog for weeks. It is extremely embarrassing, nauseating, and upsetting to write about. However, the body memories and flashback became so vivid that I needed to release it. My T says, the more I suppress or hide experiences like this, the more power I am giving my shame. So here it is.
A couple of months ago, if you asked me about my relationship with my art teacher FM, I would have said he was smart and gentle, but strong. He was a talented artist, a mentor, a confidant, a safety net, someone I could trust to look out for me and who’d gone out of his way to make sure I excelled in my art career. I would even say he got me where I am today professionally, 15 years later. Yes, he was in fact all of those things. Yet, there were also parts of him that were not so desirable, that I subconsciously chose to forget. As I’ve been opening up about him in therapy little by little, such undesirable parts begin to resurface. Unfortunately, some, like this one, I wish had stayed forgotten.
TRIGGER WARNING!!!! (Graphic) I’m sorry in advance... 😔
Almost a year had gone by since things had begun with FM. So I was 16. Unfortunately, our sexual encounters had become somewhat routine for me although I would still be anxious all the time. I’d made more friends and began to stand out academically. I had begun talking to boys more now. Yet, I was still shy and insecure by default. So I felt like I never really meshed well with anyone.
It was lunch period. I walked into FM’s classroom. He came over, hugged me, then went behind me to lock the doors as normal, so no one would a walk in. His classroom was somewhat off from the rest of the school. His room and office were not visible from the hallway. A person would have go through the print lab to get to his room. So there were two doors between us and the hallway that he would lock. Very little sound could be heard either. He came back, kissed me, and asked how my day has been going. I can’t remember what I said. Something generic. He was listening, then walked behind me grabbed my waist and started kissing my side of my neck. I let him, but I remember nervously asking if would be okay not to “do stuff” today? He stopped, and asked me why. I told him I was tired and just not into it today. Although he was a gentle and relatively quiet man, he was very muscular and intimidating in stature. So I was nervous. He let me go then walked from behind me and sat against the edge of his desk looking to face me, and said, “Is it because of that boy? ...I saw you talking to him earlier.” I felt what seemed like my heart clench. I asked, “what boy?” He said, “you know... the tall Hispanic guy on the baseball team.” I looked down at the floor and said, “well yea, I mean... he’s cute and I think he’s interested in me. But you know my parents. You know my religion. I can’t date now anyway.” I remember feeling a knot in my throat and my heart was beating fast for some reason. He calmly asked me to look up at him. He said, “Babe, it’s natural for you to be interested in boys at your age. And I don’t blame him for looking at you. Who wouldn’t want you? You’re hot.” I remember blushing but still feeling nervous that he was mad or something. He paused for a minute. Then he said, “H... do you want him to kiss you? Touch you?” I looked down again, and said, “God F, I don’t even know him like that.” He said, “but you know that’s what HE wants, right? To kiss... and touch you...” Without saying anything, he just stood up and walked behind me again. I felt myself shaking a little. He grabbed me by my waist again, and stood really close behind me so I could feel his p* hard against me. He whispered in my ear, “I bet you he wants to do this...” And he slid his hands up under my shirt and underneath my bra and started squeezing my bare breasts and n*s. I gasped and held my breath for a second. I remember feeling super tingly but upset and confused, since I said I wasn’t up to anything today. He said, “and this”... While he was still grabbing my breasts, he kissed and sucked on my neck again. I’m embarrassed to say I felt really aroused, but nauseous at the same time, knowing this was just the beginning and he wasn’t gonna give me a break today like I asked. I swallowed what felt like a lump in my throat, and figured let me just try to relax and like it.
After some time of doing that, he told me to stay there, and that he wanted to show me something. My stomach was twisting and turning when he walked away into his office, since he was always wanting to do new things I wasn’t ready for. I quickly pulled my bra and shirt back down into position, and sat up on a table that was against the side wall. It was one of those basic but sturdy school tables that was black on top with wooden legs. He came back with this weird look in his eyes and smug look on his face. He was hiding something behind his back. I leaned forward to get up off of the table, and he grabbed my thigh and said, “no no babe, you can stay right there.” He smiled and revealed what was behind his back to be a vibrator. I knew what one was at this point in my life, but just never used one before. I felt myself getting fidgety and said, “Um... F, I don’t know... I’ve never...” He cut me off and said, “Babe, it’s okay. Let’s just try it.” I knew the drill... whatever I said wasn’t really gonna change his mind or stop him at this point. So I felt myself going numb and on autopilot. He stroked my thigh said, “It’s okay baby... You’ll like it, I promise.” He laid the vibrator down next to me, and said “lean back a little, against the wall”... I can’t remember exactly. It gets fuzzy for me at this point of the memory, because I felt I was slowly detaching. I think he told me to undo and pull my pants down and that I could leave my underwear on. Or he may have done it for me. Idk... Something like that... I just remember my pants were at my ankles, and I was leaning back at an angle against the wall with my legs bent, on this table facing him. I vaguely remember him grabbing my knees and pushing them apart to open my legs so that I was completely open and exposed to him. The next thing I remember, was that he had the vibrator in his hand, and turned it on. The buzzing sound still seems so real in my memory of this moment. I remember him smiling at me and breathing heavily, which made me really anxious. Meanwhile, I was holding my breath scared of what this would feel like or make me do. He said calmly, “Baby relax, it’s okay. I promise... You don’t have to do anything. I just want to watch you enjoy it.” Then he asked me to touch it first, so I could feel the vibration. I did and felt goosebumps knowing this was going to feel very “different”. He slowly put the tip of it on my inner thigh right near my private and stayed there for a minute. I was still holding my breath, waiting for him to get on with it. Then he moved it slowly to my private area and stopped on that sensitive spot. I have a hard saying certain words, I’m sorry. I felt myself automatically jump and gasp. I hadn’t felt anything like that before. As he kept it there, he asked me to look at him so he could see my beautiful eyes, as he would say. Then at some point he asked me how did it feel. I honestly couldn’t concentrate on what he was asking me. I began breathing harder, and just nodded and closed my eyes. He chuckled and said, “see there? I knew you’d like it.” He started moving it a little, up and down and in circles. I started shaking and making noises. I felt embarrassed from how I was acting. I was trying to keep still, but I was absolutely losing it. I was shaking, and felt myself start tensing and jerking. He stroked my thigh with his free hand and said, “oh “H”... that’s it baby... that’s my sweet girl... let it all go” I felt so sick hearing him say that, but was upset and ashamed that I was turned on by everything at the same time. I tried not to let myself go there, but I couldn’t help it, and totally gave into the pleasure. I was panting, and he started breathing hard too. I felt flushed, and tingly. I hate how good it felt. I zoned out, and stopped caring that he was watching me. I had succumb to the version of myself I viewed as “the dirty me, or bad me”. He told me to touch my n*s to get there faster. So I did that, and I automatically felt that “high”... that tingly flushing feeling down there and through my legs just before it happens, and then the down period right after. It kind of became like a drug for me. I would get lost in that feeling.
He turned the vibrator off, put it down next to me, leaned in to kiss my lips, and took his hand to slowly rub me there for a minute as if he were calming me down. He slid his fingers inside my underwear, put them partly inside me, then pulled his fingers out to show me see how w*t I was. I was still lightheaded and amazed at how this new thing made me feel. I didn’t see when he did this, but his zipper was down and his p* was sticking straight out. I must have been zoned out or something. He told me I turned him on. He was touching himself and panting hard watching me as I was catching my breath to calm down. For a really quick moment I felt connected and happy with him. I know, it was a really weird thing... but I did. He did his usual chuckle after I would climax, and tell me how hot and beautiful that was. He asked me to touch “him”, I looked down and said I didn’t want to. Surprisingly, he said “okay... maybe another day.” It was weird that he didn’t force the issue.
He asked me to watch as he did ‘what he needed to for himself’, cleaned himself up, and then put his p* back in his pants. I thought we were done. I was tired. But as soon as I leaned forward to sit up so I could pull my pants up, he grabbed my thighs and said, “No sweetie, not just yet.. I’m not quite done with you.” I tried to respectfully say, “I’m tired, and we don’t have a lot of time left.” He said, “this won’t take long.” I didn’t know what he meant by that. But he got that weird smug look on his face again all of the sudden. He picked up the vibrator, and turned it back on, and placed it back on me, where it was before. I held my breath again, and was a little scared. He pressed it harder against me than he had done before so I felt the vibration shoot through my body. It was feeling really uncomfortable. I started squirming and told him it hurt a little and was too much. He ignored me, and told me to look up at him so he could see my eyes again. His face had gone cold. There was no mistaking he was being serious with me at this moment for some reason. He pushed it harder on me and I shivered. He said, “tell me... do you like that boy?” I was getting clammy and bothered by the vibrator and couldn’t form words. All of the sudden the vibration got stronger and he started moving it on me. He must have turned it up a speed or something. He asked me the same question again. I was panting and whimpering and said, “no no, I don’t like him.” Tears began falling at this point, and I was pleading with him to stop it. The feeling was hard to explain. Part of it felt good, but really sensitive and painful at the same time. I grabbed his arm that was holding the vibrator and desperately begged him to take it off from me down there. He calmly smiled and said, “No sweetheart, not yet. I need to know you mean it.” I begged and cried, “I do, I do mean it, please!” He said, “Ok good. Now, tell me you’re mine.” I was squirming and trying to move out from under the vibrator, but he kept pushing it harder against me, while using his other arm or hand to hold me in place, to keep me from avoiding it. I was so frustrated and scared at the same time. I felt like something bad was going to happen. He just wouldn’t let go or ease up. I began feeling kind of lightheaded and faint. I heard him but could barely think straight. He turned it up even more to what felt like the highest setting, and I squealed or made some kind of noise louder than usual. He leaned forward closer to me and chuckled and shushed me like I was some unruly child. I felt so upset and powerless in his control at that moment. I remembered for a second that we were still at school and I certainly didn’t want anyone to accidentally hear me and see this horrible thing happening. I remember reaching for anything I could grab ahold to because it was all so intense. I threw my head back and pled with him asking, “oh god F... just tell me what you want me to to say, I’ll say it...” He repeated calmly but sternly, “H, tell me your mine. You’re MY girl.” I said really fast between breaths, “I’m yours F... I’m your girl...”. Then he turned it down a level. I let out a deep breath, and still wanted it off. But then, I felt conflicted. After all that pain and sensitivity, I began to feel the tingly flushing sensation happen again, the feeling I get just before I... I hated how FM could always tell I was getting close. So he started saying something about me liking it after all, and how I was being a good girl now. That tingly flushing feeling took over, and stupid me grabs the vibrator while his hand is still on it and asks him to keep it on that particular spot/angle so I could finish. He laughed, called me his dirty little girl, and coached me until I climaxed. Then, he finally shut it off and touched me down there, saying I was beautiful and I was all his. Then he leaned into kiss me. He told me to remember that no boy would be able to please me like he could. He said a few other things I couldn’t remember. I was zoning out again while still catching my breath and wiping tears. I looked at his face, and the cold look began to soften. He smiled, playfully grabbed my thigh, and calmly told me I’d better get dressed and get myself together so I could be ready for my next class. He walked off and started doing something normal like erasing or writing on the whiteboard. I can’t even remember.
I just remember feeling so so numb, and out of my body again... so detached from everyone and everything the rest of that day. I didn’t know how to feel about FM at that moment. I still cared about him but was a little afraid of him now.
Ugh... I just feel so sick about this. I’m sorry.