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bury me alive, some days i'm dead inside

This specific incident was the second isolated, physical encounter I had with the person who sexually abused me.
 
I was staying after for math help :( Because I really, really needed help with it...I decided to also ask him to help with the one thing I needed help with for a project in his class since it was the end of the semester project- not ever thinking he would try anything sexual IN school while there were other students and teachers around.
When I went up to his class it was so nonchalant, I only had my notebook and I left everything else in the math classroom I was getting help in initially. I just didn't think anything could turn sexual THERE. I guess I still felt safe at school. I knocked on his class door because it was closed- I am not sure if he had to unlock it to let me in or not. But when he let me in, he locked the door behind him which I watched him do in what felt like slow motion. He said something about his expensive dj equipment and musical instruments he had in his room for the school band, but I still felt anxious anyways.

My assigned seat was right in front of his computer desk which was also right in front of the door of the classroom. But my desk was covered in things. I tried to stand at his computer desk but he told me to go to the empty desk..I had to stand at the desk two rows behind, which made me close to the back of the classroom. He came over, stood behind me. We had already done the car thing however long ago...I am not sure on the exact time frame of everything. Maybe one day I will be able to piece together the time frames of these actual encounters for a better understanding of the timeline. But because we had done things before, as he was walking toward me I was thinking in that moment "he is going to touch me again". I think he thought me coming there was me wanting to do more with him. He took it upon himself to take this as another opportunity I guess. He was very, very close “did you come so we can finish what we started?” 😖 And I didn't respond before he grabbed my privates again the same way he had grabbed me before, and I realized it was intentional before and now. He touched me all over. The force of his hands made me lose my balance and I put my hands on the desk in front of me. I heard him take a deep breath in and then I heard his belt and he said if someone knocked on the locked door, I would have to hide and he pointed next to us (there was a spot with desks and there was cardboard where I could hide under the desk behind that cardboard... that’s what he wanted me to do) "Hide there if someone knocks"
I never really wanted to admit this especially because it makes me feel used and dirty and embarrassed...

:sor:     :triggering:


He started saying things about oral sex. I was horrified-he kept joking, making me feel like I was making a big deal out of nothing “why are you looking at me like that? I ‘ate you out’ so it's your turn.” He was impatient. Next, I remember being closer to him and facing him and he told me it was “my turn” I was being “inconsiderate” and teasing him. I told him I didn’t know how, anything to try to get him to not press me to do it. But he told me he would teach me 🤢 So he did this part for a however long :cry: I told myself as I was doing it that I would never think about it/ do it again. I hated it. I still struggle with oral sex. I don’t really know how long he made me do it but it felt like forever. He showed me how he wanted me to do it so I did it the way he showed me so I could be done. I thought this was all he wanted and I dreaded him finishing. But he didn’t. Then he put his hands on my shoulders and I stood up like a stupid mindless zombie. Then he turned me around and started groping my body again. He undid my bra and felt my breasts and then he pulled my pants and underwear down really fast and forceful and it scared me. Then he reached around me and touched me for a few seconds and all of a sudden I felt him jab his fingers in me. He was saying things about my body part and about things I had no experience with. I didn't know what he was talking about! I heard his belt clinking as he was going in and out more forceful each time and it hurt. He was guiding himself to my body part. I knew it would hurt when I felt it against me almost going in and I said “no I am not ready!!” But it wasn’t very loud and I wish I would have screamed it!! He said vulgar things about me being ready.. :( I guess it was my fault, my body was responding) I started pulling my pants up, he tried pulling them back down and I started crying and I was embarrassed I was crying because nobody saw me cry. When I turned around, I had my eyes closed but when I opened them I saw he was backing away and pulling his pants up. So I pulled mine up all the way and I ran to the door, unlocked it and I ran to the bathroom with my bra still undone. I felt sick and gross. I felt dirty. I thought "how did I get myself into this". I actually felt stuck in this weird secret I didn't want any part of, something I didn't know how to get out of but trying to avoid him for now on. I don't know why I was still trying to rationalize things... I think I had to do that because if I admitted how fucked up this was, I think I would have had a mental break down. Maybe I should have :(

I remember leaving my notebook in his classroom. I didn't want to go back..I was thankful I left everything else in the math classroom. I had to go to back there to get the rest of my things and I also needed to go to my locker before leaving. I ended up having to go to the office to get my locker combination. I forgot my fucking locker combination I was so rattled about what happened. I have recurring dreams of forgetting my locker combination.

I always wore my winter coat in school after this so he couldn't touch me like he did on "accident" sometimes. Handing my notebook to me and grazing my breasts...

I also remember instances after this when I had gym, he would come there to "excuse" me from class to "get help" or "help" the few times he did it before I started hiding in the bathroom during those periods to avoid him doing it anymore.

 I managed to avoid being alone with him those times he took me though. The times I avoided being alone with him when he took me from gym class was a time I went out of my way to socialize with another teacher and ask them for help with something. Another time I told him I had to use the bathroom and I tried to walk fast away from him as soon as we were passing the bathroom and I made it in there without him coming for me. Once I realized hiding in the bathroom was a place he never came after me, I felt safe in there. It became my safe haven as dumb as that is. I went to the bathroom a lot of the time I skipped classes. It was uncomfortable sitting in a bathroom stall for some of the periods, but I would just play games on my phone lol.

Then my senior year I started helping a teacher grade English papers in the main school building during those empty classes I had with my abuser where he was the monitor with us-just to avoid him :( Ugh, he was making me uncomfortable during almost all of my college classes! Anyways-the teacher I helped grade papers for was Mr H and he made me feel safer for the most part. He knew who made me uncomfortable and vaguely why. So I guess I felt heard and validated with him. My high school boyfriend N knew him from having him in middle school and I guess we trusted him and we opened up to him about things. See N had those same college classes with me but he stopped coming to class a lot toward the last half of senior year but he half ass made sure I felt "safe" when he wasn't there since he knew some things about the teacher that harassed me at that point. Mr H was actually the teacher I had in the office with the principal as I told the school about the rape. I couldn't really look at anyone though so I couldn't tell you if they looked horrified or what. It is kind of a blur from the shock of it all :(

 

I guess I feel foolish.

 

 

 



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Hey, Sam. I'm terribly sorry these horrific things happened to you. 😢

You should have been safe. You should have been able to just be a teenager. Nothing that happened was your fault. All the shame is his to bear. 

You are SO brave for typing this out. I know it couldn't have been easy. I'm really proud of you :) 

Safe hugs if okay? :hug:

-Kim

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@Houston Kim, thank you so much for your endless support 💜 hugs are always welcome :hug:

thank you for reminding me where the shame is warranted- I struggle too much with blaming myself :( 

 

sam🖤🌻

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Of course! :) 

….HE holds ALL the blame. Not you. 

It sounds corny, but be gentle with yourself... :hug:

 

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