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still mad



June 28th 2020, 5:55pm


Still mad. Yesterday I had a deep thought that I never wanted to touch anything to experience it again. I decided that I would be able to accomplish anything I would be able to simply just by observing it.

The account I created today on After Silence has already been approved and I can now use it to share my experiences. I was reading through the forum all day. Now, I’m looking forward to this community for their support in the near future.

I have an alarm set for 8:30 tomorrow morning, because I meet on zoom with Dr A at 9:00. I missed the appointment I scheduled two weeks ago because we lost internet over here that day.

I self-harmed and I want to switch medications. Suicidal thoughts are a side effect. Planning on telling this to Dr A because in the original appointment request I said “mental health screening.” I feel like I am close to becoming completely mute.

Today I cried really hard to Griff. I also need to get counseling ASAP.


Dabs and beer and a dinner with my mom and Griff keep me afloat. Still mad though.


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@mango_star1 You are allowed to be mad. Sitting with you in the madness if ok?

Also, Welcome to After Silence. Although something terrible has brought you to the site- I am glad you are here with us :)


sending you support :flowers:


sam 🖤🌻

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Thank you Sam.


Thank you for sitting with me, it’s alright. 

on my call today with my doctor, I was trying to tell her that I self-harmed and she was repeating back to me what I said... super loudly... and my mom walks in. And theres no way she didnt hear us talking. She didnt leave when I asked her too but I told my doctor my mom came in and she asked me if she could call me back this afternoon. I have no idea how this conversation is going to continue. At least I was able to say I wanted to switch medications because of the side effects. So hopefully I have an option there and could also start to receive online therapy right now. so I’ll ask her about that when we talk later. 

I don’t have an issue talking to my mom about things like this, I just want to handle it on my own because I don’t want her to be worried or anyone else for that matter. It was really out of character for me to self-harm and I am upset at the thought of when I had cut myself. I know there is hope for me and my serotonin levels..... theres no way there isn’t. WE HAVE THE TECHNOLOGY. 


I just want to get through this in one piece. I know I can.



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@mango_star1 Yes you can get through this. Personality change during the phases of processing is normal and you can find back to yourself. You stepping out of character is explainable, but stay safe and keep your doctors informed about your mental statement. Just to understand you right, do you receive any counseling from this doctor you've mentioned? 

Sitting with you if ok? 

Edited by WannaMoveOn

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She has been my doctor for years and has heard a lot about my mental health struggles. She is not my counselor however just a nice doctor. 

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