I wrote a first draft of this earlier in a blog I keep hidden as a mental and emotional release. I was ashamed of what happened and have felt guilty thinking I was to blame for having frozen when forced, and being much older than the guy this happened with. I had no idea what to call this. However, I think I am ready to break the silence on this. So here it goes…
My younger sister had just gotten married, and I was ready to get away after being engulfed in all the planning. I was in AA at the time, and had been sober for 8 months, so I was proud of that progress. I decided to go visit friends out of town for a couple of weeks. At the end of my last week there, I went with my best friend to a party at a friend’s apartment. The guy whose apartment it was, was out of town and had his friend “IR”, watch the apartment and take care of his cat while he was gone. We had a good time, and then "IR" brought alcohol out. I kept declining and saying I really shouldn’t. But eventually, I felt left out of the fun, and took a drink. Then, we played a drinking game. I drank quite a bit. By the end of the game, my friend and I could not drive home. So “IR” said, we girls could sleep in the extra bedroom where there were two beds. An alarm went off in my head after a similar scenario happened leading up to my r* just 7 years prior. But my friend drove and said everything would be okay. IR even gave us clean basketball shorts and tanks to wear for the night. I crashed on one bed, while my best friend slept in the other bed. We really should have slept together if we were thinking straight.
I’d fallen asleep. All of the sudden, I feel a body next to me. It was a guy and he was breathing heavily and spooning me. He started kissing my neck and slipped his arm over in front of me from behind, and put his hand up my tank squeezing my breast and ni*. I literally froze. This was all too familiar from 7 years ago where I woke up to being r*d in bed in the dark. I was still woozy from having drunk too much. I turned over to see it was “IR”. It was dark, but I could tell it was him. He shushed me, climbed on top of me, and put both of his hands under my tank now squeezing my breasts, and then lifted it up and put his mouth on my ni*. I tried to squirm out from under him, but he was much bigger and heavier than me and he kept moving from one breast to the other. I froze again and felt like I was beginning to mentally drift. I was scared, and just let him do what he was doing out of fright. Then he laid back beside me, and put his hand, the one closest to me, down my shorts and started rubbing me, while fingering me, and then reached over and grabbed my hand closest to him, and put it down his shorts on his p*. I was too scared and felt so ashamed that this was happening again to me. I remember quickly taking my hand out of his shorts, and he shoved it back in, and whispered “come on, stop playing!” I didn’t want to touch him, and I certainly didn’t want him to touch me either, but I was already becoming aroused by all he’d been doing to me, and he was strong and wouldn't let up.
I could feel he was getting mad at me for not cooperating. I didn't know what he would do. He shoved multiple fingers in me so that it hurt, and then used his other hand to move my my hand on his p*, forcing me to masturbate him. I used my other free hand furthest from him, and grabbed onto his hand that was hurting me and whispering “stop, please, that hurts”. I remember trying to move his hand, whimpering from the pain. He kept shushing me and whispering to me to be quiet and just take it. I couldn’t even focus on my other hand on his p* in his shorts. I could just feel it getting firmer. I could tell he wasn’t going to let up on me or me on him. Then, I felt that tingly flushing feeling, and at that point, I couldn’t help but feel pleasure. I cli*d on right there on his hand. I felt so gross, dirty and ashamed. I remember feeling so numb and then drifted outside of my body again… like I wasn’t even there. At the same time, he wouldn’t let my hand go on his p* until he ej*d in my hand. He was breathing heavily, and made some disgusting noises, and a sigh of relief when it happened. He leaned over to kiss me, then turned over to go to sleep like everything that just happened was normal. I turned over facing away from him and curled into a ball. I still felt the pain down there, yet I was numb all over, and felt like the lowest of the lowest. I quietly cried myself to sleep that night. I was too traumatized to even go to the bathroom and clean myself up.
I woke up to an empty bed. He was asleep on the couch outside of the bedroom now. I was so numb and felt so stupid for relapsing into drinking, and letting this kind of thing happen to me yet again. I felt like SA had become my normal. Did I give off a vibe that I wanted this or something? I was nice to him that night, but I never flirted with him to make him think I wanted to do more. I was confused about what happened and just wanted to get out of that apartment. My best friend said she was buzzed too, and vaguely remembered hearing panting and grunting, but just thought maybe we just hooked up or something. I couldn’t even get out the words to tell her he forced me, because I was still in shock and ashamed.
I left town and drove back home (a 10-hour drive) the next day. I was ready to just drive off the road at various points of the trip, so that maybe I could make it seem like an accident. Then I get a call from my best friend saying, “Hey can you believe what I just found out?! “IR” is only 19 years old?!! Girl, I thought he was at least 25! Isn’t that crazy?!" I held it together on the phone, hung up, pulled over, and my whole body went numb… I just realized this 19 year old "boy", snuck into my bed and did those things the night before. He was a really big guy, tall and stocky, with a lot of facial hair, serving drinks and everything, so I thought he was at least 21 or older. He looked my age to be honest. I was 29 at this point. I felt so sick to my stomach and vomited outside on the side of the road.
All of these thoughts raced through my head. When I was around "IR's" age, I’d been repeatedly mol*d by a man in his 30s for years, and then r*d by a 40 year old man soon after that. And here I am 29, almost 30, having been in bed with a 19 year old. I automatically felt sick, like a predator. I didn’t want to do those things with him that night, but I froze and was scared... of what I found out to be a 19 YEAR OLD! What is wrong with me?! Why did I freeze like that? Why didn’t I yell or scream? Meanwhile, my friend tells me when he found out I was 29, he thought it was an accomplishment. I hated that and felt so gross and violated. I attempted suicide again the following week. I felt so horrible.
It hasn’t been that long since this happened, and I finally told my friend that I didn’t want to do what happened. She asked if we should do something about it. I said no out of shame and embarrassment. Who would believe a 29 year old was SA’ed by a teenager? I still feel sick and horrible about it. I have recurring nightmares about it… me being scared to find a body next to me in bed in the dark, me freezing, the arousal, the pain I felt, the embarrassment I felt for cli*ing, him using my hand to make him… Ugh. So now, when I start to feel bad about years of SA from multiple men, I feel like a hypocrite... I feel like I don’t deserve to feel bad because I let this teenager do these sick and awful things to my body and himself. It doesn’t matter whether I knew his age or not. And no, he wasn't a minor. But it's still very close. The facts of the situation are enough to make me physically sick. I’m still having trouble trying to come back from this. If you have gotten this far, thank you for reading it. I still feel uneasy as if people would view me differently. However, I’m just so tired of keeping so many secrets like this.