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behindthesehazeleyes

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So...this is my first post. It won’t be long...I have come back to this forum because of something that triggered me a few days ago...just watching a tv show. I was desperate to not act out on urges to self injure because of it. My brain likes to bring up those thoughts as a soothing thing I think, after so long not self harming, my brain tries to soothe me in the only way it knows how.

I love being back here, despite the really hard stuff...I have such a hard time making friends, and this stupid quarantine, due to personal health issues, has had me stuck inside the house with my parents (God love em) for 3 months. There are good things about these changes but also negative things. It isn’t that great for my depression, but with my mom home...at least til she has to go back to work Monday...we’ve been pretty productive (or at least productive for us) around the house.Being back on the site has its downfalls....I am remembering things I had repressed. Making me dissociate at times. Dissociation doesn’t really affect the SH urges as much as it does mess with my head and make it hard to focus and make my depression worse. Have been sleeping for 12 hrs the past few days. Last night only 5. I think all the sleep is depression related, was thinking it may just being tired from my body getting ready for my period or something....but now I’m wondering if it’s just the memories messing with me, making me exhausted, or more depressed. 

I know I am  anxious, which makes eating less easier...and my whole family dieting or trying to change eating habits the past 3 months hasn’t helped. I am secretly glad the anxiety has me losing weight. It’s just falling off of my dad and he keeps gloating about it. I’m happy for him, but inside I am jealous and want to “beat” him at it...

But that’s also part of the reason the site exists, right? ...to face the fear. To talk about it. Get it out in a healthy way. Not feel so alone....I need all of those things right now.

Gotta Start Somewhere...

L

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