trigger warning 15-dirty deeds
This is something I haven’t been able to write about until recently in my journal. I don’t like to think about it much.
When I was 15, I missed my bus. I had to go into school again but as I was walking in, he was walking out of the commons building doors on campus and he asked me why I was going back to school, shouldn’t I be leaving. I said I had missed the bus. He touched me on my arm to stop me from walking and said “I can take you home and you’ll be there before your bus?” I initially denied but he said he insisted. He said they would most likely ask a teacher to take me home anyways and I thought that wasn’t entirely right but I knew my mom would be super pissed at me for missing the bus to begin with. I don’t know why I would have ever gone with him like this. But I did! He told me he had to get school supplies at a store I lived near anyways. So it worked out. He made small talk the entire ride. I don't remember about what. He pulled into the parking lot of the store first and parked close to the gas station so it was not in a highly populated area. I remember being weirded out and my stomach turned because he said he would take me home before the bus got there. I didn’t know what to say. I don’t remember what I said. But I remember him saying he needed to do something first. So I said ok and then he just continued sitting there. He asked me questions. I don’t remember the first few, they were random about school and things- but it was making me uncomfortable. Then he started asking other questions..Like if I was ok with him going there first. I didn’t have time to answer before he asked if I was nervous. I said I didn’t think my mom would be happy with me being late. He said I wouldn’t be “too late” and that made me feel anxious. He asked if I had ever been kissed before and I didn’t say anything at first. My heart felt heavy. I thought in that moment he was going to try to do something to me but then I thought no that’s crazy! But I was now convinced he was definitely giving off the vibes I thought he was giving me- which I felt stupid for thinking that before. Of course he couldn’t really be a pervert right? Wrong. Then he asked if I had ever been alone with someone his age before (he was like 30), I said no. He asked me if I had ever been touched under my clothes before. I said never. He asked if he could... I was shy and said I didn’t know and I think he thought I meant it was okay. It was a truck he had so all he had to do was scoot over and he was next to me. So he went under my shirt and touched me. I remember flinching. “it’s okay just relax” He touched my breasts and that’s when I realized I liked that feeling. I got goosebumps and he commented on that. Said I must like him touching me like that. then he started unbuttoning my pants and before I knew it he put his hand in my pants and touched me. I put my hand on his outside of my pants but i froze in fear and just sat my hand on top of his. He was intimidating. I got distracted when he grabbed my hand with his other hand and moved it away. I didn’t say anything and I think he thought maybe I wanted more. All I remember is breathing fast and feeling anxious- and his whispering “it’s ok. Relax.” He kept touching me and it actually felt good after I stopped tensing- I hate that he was right about MY body. He asked me if i liked how he was touching me and I shook my head yes 😞 I think my reaction was all he needed to know... and he kept doing it. I had never been touched like that before and it was new and I think I didn’t know how else to react 😢He touched himself and I made a point not to look. He pulled himself out and said “now touch me” and I let him guide my hand to his penis and he had me touch it. I remember the warmth. The feeling of the size. He showed me how to “stroke it.” I never looked at it though, so he said “you can look at me” but it didn’t sound like he was being “nice” about it, it sounded like he was telling me what to do. He ended up letting go of my hand and said “keep going” so I did. “Squeeze the h*” 🤢 ugh I hate all of the memories because it just sounds so vulgar and traumatizing.
He was still touching me and going further down... not going inside but almost. He said he wanted to show me something. He started tugging at my pants and when I realized he was trying to get them off of me (I was scared because nobody had ever seen me like that and he was just about to expose all of me) they were already coming down my thigh and he was lifting me to get them from under me. he was pulling at my left leg to get it out of my pants. He Got my leg out and my pants were hanging by my knee on my right leg. I was pulling them closer, nervous someone would see me even though they couldn’t. he separated my legs and pulled me over and down some by my hips to where I was facing him more. and he stuck his finger or fingers inside of me, it hurt and i flinched again and said "ow" He kept shoving them in and none of it felt good to me. He seemed discouraged and took his finger or fingers out. He said he couldn’t help himself, it was in his face. He told me he wanted to do more but we (we?!) couldn’t yet. He said he was going to kiss me. He then kissed me down there..I started squirming and saying it tickled and then he said “have you ever been l***ed?” I had no time to even react- he said he had a surprise and I would like this part and started putting his tongue on me. I was very embarrassed. He was doing that and I was looking around outside realizing nobody was close, looking or caring and I found comfort in that I guess in those moments 
He kept going and my head was spinning. But I guess he wanted me to feel good maybe priming me for more activity in the future? If I concentrate hard enough on the memory I remember my body wanting to o but I stopped myself from doing so because I was nervous and didn’t know what was going on. but he could tell it felt nice to me. He smiled at me. He said things about my body, he liked to watch me “squirm”, I was being "bad", he might have to punish me..blah blah blah 🤮 I can remember his panting and the sounds from what he was doing to me. I felt wrong but i got a high off it. He told me I was too small and he didn’t want to break me. Back then I thought he meant his body compared to mine I didn’t think he was talking about his body part ripping me apart since I just turned 15, but I think that’s what he meant. he looked like he wanted to jump on me but he didn’t. In that second though I thought my mom is going to know everything when she sees me (and honestly I think she did see something in my eyes). Especially if he does all this right now with his body part he was obviously conflicted looking back. He rubbed himself against my private. i was scared thinking he was going to put his penis inside of me but he didn’t he just rubbed it against me. I don’t think he wanted to leave evidence knowing he would hurt me and I would be horrified and he wouldn’t be able to say it didn’t happen. Because he was large 😢I hate admitting that because he used it as a weapon on me.
Then he pushed my leg down told me to keep touching him. He said “put your mouth on me. S*** it.” I panicked and said I couldn't! He asked if I’ve ever made someone c** before and I said no. “Ok just keep going, faster.” So I did and he finished . I was like in shock at this point that I just watched him do this and he touched me and I touched him and he just finished in front of me. he wiped himself on something he grabbed from somewhere. He asked “did I get you” 😖 he asked if I was okay and I said “yea”.He said I shouldn’t tell anyone about what we did because they would be jealous and start rumors and my life would be ruined. The first person that came to my mind was R my friend because she seemed to really like him and I didn’t want her to hate me
he ended up taking me down the street from my house and told me he wanted to finish what we started or something along those lines. I don’t remember what I said or anything at all. I just got out and started walking down the few houses to my home, stunned. I felt like I was dirty. Like I had just rolled around in a ton of oil.
I remember running into the house and my mom was mad at me immediately! She asked me what was wrong and I said nothing at first. But she kept pushing me telling me she saw everyone else walk home about 20 mins ago and I wasn’t with them like usual. so I told her someone in a car asked me for directions and she seemed to notice I was a little off or something because she looked outside scared and then she ended up telling my grandma about it. I’m not sure why she was so nervous because I didn’t let on that anything was wrong, I was just late. But sometimes she could like sense things- I just didn’t think I could tell her because I knew she would have blamed me for going with him She took me to get mace to carry with me...Which I took with me to school and had to leave In the principals desk before and after school. Even though the person who was making me uncomfortable was the teacher upstairs.
I blocked this one out. I remember thinking about it slightly and hating myself and feeling guilty and wrong . If I told any adult I would have felt so embarrassed and I didn’t want anyone to know about it. I did write about it in a notebook I ended up putting in the trash can outside the morning trash was coming...I was so scared my mom would find it 💔
as I am finishing up writing this in the car, dirty deeds done dirt cheap by acdc was just on and it’s uncanny- it was that teachers favorite band. One of the reasons all the students just thought he was so neat 😒 Sometimes I feel like I’ll always be reminded of him no matter what I do. hearing the lyrics I can surely see why it was his favorite band. Sometimes I think The only shit he listened to was pervy. The triggers will always be there and I think I just need to accept this was just a part of my past 
now I just feel sick and would like a rage room 😆
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