trigger warning 15-dirty deeds
Entry posted by marcyabadeer in Blogs ·
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GRAPHIC
When I was 15, I missed my bus. I had to go into school again because I didn't have minutes left on my phone to call my mom. As I was walking in, he was walking out of the commons building doors on campus and he asked me why I was going back to school, shouldn’t I be leaving. I said I had missed the bus. He touched me on my arm to stop me from walking and said “I can take you home and you’ll be there before your bus?” I initially denied but he said he insisted. He said they would most likely ask a teacher to take me home anyways and I thought that wasn’t entirely right but I knew my mom would be super pissed at me for missing the bus to begin with. I don’t know why I would have ever gone with him like this. But I did! I even felt off as it was happening. It felt unreal. Climbing into his orange truck felt so odd. He asked me where I lived and I was naive and told him the street and area. He told me he had to get school supplies at a store I lived near anyways. He made small talk the entire ride. I don't remember about what really. But I do remember feeling awkward and really shy so I gave short answers. I remember the rock music playing low in the car. He pulled into the parking lot of the store first and parked close to the gas station so it was not in a highly populated area. I remember being weirded out and my stomach turned because he said he would take me home before the bus got there. I didn’t know what to say. I don’t remember what I said. But I remember him saying he needed to do something first. So I said ok and then he just continued sitting there. He asked me questions. I don’t remember the first few, they were random about school and things- but it was making me uncomfortable. "You're so shy. It's cute." Then he started asking questions. Like if I was ok with him going there first. I didn’t have time to answer before he asked if I was nervous. I didn't respond, but I was. He said I didn't have to be. I said I didn’t think my mom would be happy with me being late. He said I wouldn’t be “too late” and that made me feel anxious. He asked me if I had a boyfriend. I said yes. He asked me if my boyfriend "touches me." I said no. He asked if I had ever been kissed before and I didn’t say anything, couldn't say anything. My heart felt heavy. I thought in that moment he was going to try to do something sexual but then I thought over that thought "no that’s crazy!" Then he asked if I had ever been alone with someone his age before (he was like 30), I shook my head no. He asked if he could touch under my shirt, "Can I show you?" I was shy and said I didn’t know and I think he thought I meant it was okay. It was a truck he had so all he had to do was scoot over and he was next to me. So he went under my shirt and touched me. I remember flinching because he pinched me. “it’s okay, just relax” He moved his hand in my shirt. I got goosebumps and he commented on that. Said I must like him touching me. He kissed me on the lips. I had no experience outside of pecks with random boyfriends before. I remember his breath blowing on my lips because he was panting. Then he put his tongue in my mouth 
Then he started unbuttoning my pants and before I knew it he put his hand in my pants and started feeling me. He made comments about my body part and how I was responding so it made me feel a part of it all. Which made me embarrassed. I put my hand on his outside of my pants but I froze in fear and just sat it on top of his. He was intimidating. I got distracted when he grabbed my hand with his other hand and moved it away. I didn’t say anything and I think he thought maybe I wanted more. All I remember is breathing fast and feeling anxious- and his whispering “relax.” He asked me if I liked how he was touching me and I shook my head yes. I don't know why!! He kept doing it. I had never been touched like that before and my mind was just telling me to get it over with. I didn't know how else to react. He had pulled his penis out and started touching himself and I made a point not to look. He said “now touch me” and I let him guide my hand to his penis and he had me touch him. I remember the warmth. He showed me how to “stroke it.” I couldn't look at it though at first. At him. He said “you can look at me” but it didn’t sound like he was being “nice” about it, it sounded like he was telling me what to do. He ended up letting go of my hand and said “keep going” so I did. He said things..ugh I hate all of the memories because it just sounds so vulgar and it makes me feel dirty!
He touched me inside my pants again. Seemed like he was struggling since my pants were tight. He said he wanted to show me something. He started pulling my pants down and when I realized he was trying to get them off of me (I was scared because nobody had ever seen me like that and he was just about to expose all of me) they were already coming down my thigh and he was lifting me to get them from under me. "Take your shoe off" so I did what he told me to do. He pulled my left leg out of my pants- I was pulling them closer to me up my right leg, nervous someone would see me even though they couldn’t. He separated my legs and pulled me over and down some by my hips to where I was facing him more. Then he stuck his fingers inside of me, it was uncomfortable and I was trying to close my legs but he kept pushing them apart. I said it hurt. He seemed discouraged and took his fingers out. He took a picture of me down there on his phone. He told me he wanted to do more but we couldn’t yet. He said he was going to kiss me. Then he kissed me down there. I started squirming and saying it tickled and then he said something vulgar about performing oral sex. I thought maybe I didn't hear him right but I think I did hear him right and he was making a vulgar joke. I am just now realizing this. I was very embarrassed that this was happening but I was also exhilarated. I was looking around outside realizing nobody was close, looking or caring and I found comfort in that I guess in those moments. Especially after he said "Nobody is looking. They can't see anyways." He was looking at me the entire time like he was expecting some sort of performance and I felt so uncomfortable. I felt like I just had nowhere to hide and that's all I wanted! He smiled at me. He said things about me and my body. He looked like he wanted to jump on me but he didn’t. He was obviously conflicted looking back. He rubbed himself against my private. I was scared thinking he was going to put his penis inside of me but he didn’t. He just rubbed it against me. Gosh, it makes me sick!
He pushed my leg down and told me to touch him again. I tried to pull my pants up to be comfortable again and he told me to leave them off he "wanted to see me" He said “suck me” I panicked and said "I don't know how" He asked if I’ve ever made someone ejaculate (he used another word) before and I said no. So he taught me how to touch him. So I did that and he touched me and before he finished he pulled me closer to him. I was like in shock at that point. That I just watched him do this and he touched me and I touched him and he just finished in front of me. He wiped himself and then asked me "did I get you?" "did I get it all" He asked if I was okay and I nodded. He said I shouldn’t tell anyone about what we did because they wouldn't understand and my life would be ruined. The first person that came to my mind was my boyfriend, then R-my best friend at the time because she seemed to really like him and I didn’t want her to hate me.
He ended up taking me down the street from my house and told me he wanted to finish what we started or something along those lines. I don’t remember what I said or anything at all. I just got out and started walking down the few houses to my home, stunned. I felt like I was dirty. Like I had just rolled around in a ton of oil.
I remember running into the house and my mom was mad at me immediately! I just tried to avoid her as much as I could. She started snooping on me a lot- reading my text messages and listening in on phone calls.
I blocked this one out until recently thinking of random things that occurred in high school. Big and small. Because still, to me, the most horrific things that stick out to me when I remember the person who abused me are the things he did to me after high school ended. I remember thinking about these incidents in high school slightly and hating myself and feeling guilty and wrong. If I told any adult I would have felt so embarrassed and I didn’t want anyone to know about it. I did write about it in a notebook when I was 15 that I ended up putting in the trash can outside the morning trash was coming. I was so scared my mom would find it.
now I just feel sick and would like a rage room 😆
Edited by marcyabadeer
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