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15-dirty deeds

This is something I haven’t been able to write about until recently in my journal. I don’t like to think about it much.

:triggering2:      :sor:
 

When I was 15, I missed my bus. I had to go into school again but as I was walking in, he was walking out of the commons building doors on campus and he asked me why I was going back to school, shouldn’t I be leaving. I said I had missed the bus. He touched me on my arm to stop me from walking and said “I can take you home and you’ll be there before your bus?” I initially denied but he said he insisted. He said they would most likely ask a teacher to take me home anyways and I thought that wasn’t entirely right but I knew my mom would be super pissed at me for missing the bus to begin with. I don’t know why I would have ever gone with him like this. But I did! He told me he had to get school supplies at a store I lived near anyways. So it worked out. He made small talk the entire ride. I don't remember about what. He pulled into the parking lot of the store first and parked close to the gas station so it was not in a highly populated area. I remember being weirded out and my stomach turned because he said he would take me home before the bus got there. I didn’t know what to say. I don’t remember what I said. But I remember him saying he needed to do something first. So I said ok and then he just continued sitting there. He asked me questions. I don’t remember the first few, they were random about school and things- but it was making me uncomfortable. Then he started asking other questions..Like if I was ok with him going there first. I didn’t have time to answer before he asked if I was nervous. I said I didn’t think my mom would be happy with me being late. He said I wouldn’t be “too late” and that made me feel anxious. He asked if I had ever been kissed before and I didn’t say anything at first. My heart felt heavy. I thought in that moment he was going to try to do something to me but then I thought no that’s crazy! But I was now convinced he was definitely giving off the vibes I thought he was giving me- which I felt stupid for thinking that before. Of course he couldn’t really be a pervert right? Wrong. Then he asked if I had ever been alone with someone his age before (he was like 30), I said no. He asked me if I had ever been touched under my clothes before. I said never. He asked if he could... I was shy and said I didn’t know and I think he thought I meant it was okay. It was a truck he had so all he had to do was scoot over and he was next to me. So he went under my shirt and touched me. I remember flinching. “it’s okay just relax” He touched my breasts and that’s when I realized I liked that feeling. I got goosebumps and he commented on that. Said I must like him touching me like that. then he started unbuttoning my pants and before I knew it he put his hand in my pants and touched me. I put my hand on his outside of my pants but i froze in fear and just sat my hand on top of his. He was intimidating. I got distracted when he grabbed my hand with his other hand and moved it away. I didn’t say anything and I think he thought maybe I wanted more. All I remember is breathing fast and feeling anxious- and his whispering “it’s ok. Relax.” He kept touching me and it actually felt good after I stopped tensing- I hate that he was right about MY body. He asked me if i liked how he was touching me and I shook my head yes 😞 I think my reaction was all he needed to know... and he kept doing it. I had never been touched like that before and it was new and I think I didn’t know how else to react 😢He touched himself and I made a point not to look. He pulled himself out and said “now touch me” and I let him guide my hand to his penis and he had me touch it. I remember the warmth. The feeling of the size. He showed me how to “stroke it.” I never looked at it though, so he said “you can look at me” but it didn’t sound like he was being “nice” about it, it sounded like he was telling me what to do. He ended up letting go of my hand and said “keep going” so I did. “Squeeze the h*” 🤢 ugh I hate all of the memories because it just sounds so vulgar and traumatizing. 

He was still touching me and going further down... not going inside but almost. He said he wanted to show me something. He started tugging at my pants and when I realized he was trying to get them off of me (I was scared because nobody had ever seen me like that and he was just about to expose all of me) they were already coming down my thigh and he was lifting me to get them from under me. he was pulling at my left leg to get it out of my pants. He Got my leg out and my pants were hanging by my knee on my right leg. I was pulling them closer, nervous someone would see me even though they couldn’t. he separated my legs and pulled me over and down some by my hips to where I was facing him more. and he stuck his finger or fingers inside of me, it hurt and i flinched again and said "ow" He kept shoving them in and none of it felt good to me. He seemed discouraged and took his finger or fingers out. He said he couldn’t help himself, it was in his face. He told me he wanted to do more but we (we?!) couldn’t yet. He said he was going to kiss me. He then kissed me down there..I started squirming and saying it tickled and then he said “have you ever been l***ed?” I had no time to even react- he said he had a surprise and I would like this part and started putting his tongue on me. I was very embarrassed. He was doing that and I was looking around outside realizing nobody was close, looking or caring and I found comfort in that I guess in those moments :(  He kept going and my head was spinning. But I guess he wanted me to feel good maybe priming me for more activity in the future? If I concentrate hard enough on the memory I remember my body wanting to o but I stopped myself from doing so because I was nervous and didn’t know what was going on. but he could tell it felt nice to me. He smiled at me. He said things about my body, he liked to watch me “squirm”, I was being "bad", he might have to punish me..blah blah blah 🤮  I can remember his panting and the sounds from what he was doing to me. I felt wrong but i got a high off it. He told me I was too small and he didn’t want to break me. Back then I thought he meant his body compared to mine I didn’t think he was talking about his body part ripping me apart since I just turned 15, but I think that’s what he meant. he looked like he wanted to jump on me but he didn’t. In that second though I thought my mom is going to know everything when she sees me (and honestly I think she did see something in my eyes). Especially if he does all this right now with his body part :( he was obviously conflicted looking back. He rubbed himself against my private. i was scared thinking he was going to put his penis inside of me but he didn’t he just rubbed it against me. I don’t think he wanted to leave evidence knowing he would hurt me and I would be horrified and he wouldn’t be able to say it didn’t happen. Because he was large 😢I hate admitting that because he used it as a weapon on me. 


Then he pushed my leg down told me to keep touching him. He said “put your mouth on me. S*** it.” I panicked and said I couldn't! He asked if I’ve ever made someone c** before and I said no. “Ok just keep going, faster.” So I did and he finished . I was like in shock at this point that I just watched him do this and he touched me and I touched him and he just finished in front of me. he wiped himself on something he grabbed from somewhere. He asked “did I get you” 😖  he asked if I was okay and I said “yea”.He said I shouldn’t tell anyone about what we did because they would be jealous and start rumors and my life would be ruined. The first person that came to my mind was R my friend because she seemed to really like him and I didn’t want her to hate me :( 
he ended up taking me down the street from my house and told me he wanted to finish what we started or something along those lines. I don’t remember what I said or anything at all. I just got out and started walking down the few houses to my home, stunned. I felt like I was dirty. Like I had just rolled around in a ton of oil.
I remember running into the house and my mom was mad at me immediately! She asked me what was wrong and I said nothing at first. But she kept pushing me telling me she saw everyone else walk home about 20 mins ago and I wasn’t with them like usual. so I told her someone in a car asked me for directions and she seemed to notice I was a little off or something because she looked outside scared and then she ended up telling my grandma about it. I’m not sure why she was so nervous because I didn’t let on that anything was wrong, I was just late. But sometimes she could like sense things- I just didn’t think I could tell her because I knew she would have blamed me for going with him :( She took me to get mace to carry with me...Which I took with me to school and had to leave In the principals desk before and after school. Even though the person who was making me uncomfortable was the teacher upstairs.
I blocked this one out. I remember thinking about it slightly and hating myself and feeling guilty and wrong . If I told any adult I would have felt so embarrassed and I didn’t want anyone to know about it. I did write about it in a notebook I ended up putting in the trash can outside the morning trash was coming...I was so scared my mom would find it 💔

as I am finishing up writing this in the car, dirty deeds done dirt cheap by acdc was just on and it’s uncanny- it was that teachers favorite band. One of the reasons all the students just thought he was so neat 😒 Sometimes I feel like I’ll always be reminded of him no matter what I do. hearing the lyrics I can surely see why it was his favorite band. Sometimes I think The only shit he listened to was pervy. The triggers will always be there and I think I just need to accept this was just a part of my past :cry:
 

now I just feel sick and would like a rage room 😆 



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Hey @samantha2009

I am so sorry you had to experience all of that. As you already know, I can identify with you on this more than you realize. I still don’t understand how these teachers can do such things with minors and not think anything of it. 😤 I’m so proud of you for posting this and getting it out there. It’s such an important part of healing. So admirable...

Sitting with you always ❤️

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@Enigma87 they do it because they are sick in the head :( thank you so much for your support. It means the world to me!

thank you for sitting with me 🖤

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@samantha2009 

Hey Sam, I'm heartbroken that you had to experience any of this. This guy is sick. You are not to blame for any of the feelings, reactions or actions that happened. It wasn't your fault.

As a teacher he should've been someone who protected you. I'm so sorry this happened.

Sitting with you & hugs if okay... :hug:

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@Houston thank you for responding to my blog :( it was very hard for me to write this and keep it up.

thank you for sitting with me- hugs are always okay :hug:

 

sam🖤🌻

 

 

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You are so brave for writing this out and keeping it up. I understand how hard it is to let yourself be vulnerable, and (I hope this doesn't sound too weird) I'm proud of you. :hug:

Edited by Houston

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This must have been very hard for you to write.  As for why you trusted him, you were a child/student and he was a teacher/adult. He was someone who was supposed to protect and nurture you, someone you and all your classmates were supposed to trust. He took advantage of that trust. You didn't do anything wrong.

Edited by wolfennights

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@Houston oh gosh :cry:no it didn’t sound weird. It was something I have wanted to hear for a really long time. Thank you so much. I really appreciate your words 💜

@wolfennights thank you so much for your validating insight. It was very difficult to write and I still have anxiety with sharing it. But I am trying to stick to this and keep it up 💜

 

sam🖤🌻

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You are so brave. If it makes any difference, I went to college and studied health education so I got to learn a bit about schools and what is happening behind the scenes. 

 

First of all, this teacher who assaulted you, is so beyond fucked up to do these things to a student, when the drives for becoming a teacher in the first place, are primarily and genuinely because teachers become teachers because they want to become positive forces of change in the world by helping students. He is an animal. His mind is primitive. But to be fair, becoming a primary school math teacher is not the biggest accomplishment you can have or the most you could do even to instigate change.... but, unfortunately. it is a good way to be around kids. 

 

i'll reiterate this  because why tf not, but it's not your fault. He deserves to feel the shame. He was an adult and he had power over you. I am so sorry for what happened to you. But as a survivor myself and having been through a couple post-secondary education programs, I will tell you that meeting men like that, like your abuser. won't get old. For me at least, they stick out like sore thumbs. and I remember things they say that make them think they're right, smart and all the things, and I use those memories to empower myself into taking action to thwart their confidence. Yanno, however you can these days. I feel like survivors exist with the belief their abusers will not ever have accountability. but I am learning that there are more ways to hold someone accountable that doesn't happen legally. although in your case, I hope you were successful if this was you. 

I read your story Samantha and I am so sad for the 15 year old girl that you were. I want to run up to that car window with your teacher and you sitting inside, break in the windshield and pull you free. 

At any reconciliation, it is common knowledge I think now, for educators to understand that it is suspicious for a teacher to give a ride to a student. I worry that this is because of stories like your own, happening in multiplicity. Humans make me so sick sometimes...

I can even recall accusations being made against coaches and security guards in my middle school who were generally known as "friendly."

 

Also, if you would like to accept this horrible trauma as a part of your past, I suggest you keep the memories of his "perviness" close. It was not okay what he did to you. He is not neat, or cool or anything positive. He is a predator and he used his power as a teacher to hurt you. He abused his privilege to work with kids. instead of instilling hope, confidence and resiliency in you, and even decent math skills, he chose to target you and make you his victim. Nothing is your fault. it is not normal. And I hope you have that thought in your memories of him,  that he was sick, and deeply fucked up beyond any repair or goddamn flirt he could get with an underage kid. Fuck that guy. Fuck your abuser. I hope you are well.

 

❤️

Mango

 

 

 

 

 

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@mango_star1 thank you for reading my story and thank you very much for all the kind, reassuring things you said to me

On 7/4/2020 at 10:11 PM, mango_star1 said:

I want to run up to that car window with your teacher and you sitting inside, break in the windshield and pull you free. 

This. You saying this has made me feel so many things. I feel seen. I feel grief for myself. I feel “nice” that someone would want to help me from that harm. I wished for this during that attack. I wished someone would want to hold him accountable. I wished someone would see him as wrong. I still long for people to see him for what he was/ is. 
 

I really appreciate you saying the shame is his. I keep trying to remind myself of that. 
 

also- not sure it matters but he was a history teacher. I may have made it confusing with the way I worded it with getting help after school with math- but I stupidly decided to get help from him also with a history project and he ended up assaulting me again. I have a hard time with not blaming myself for that second incident specifically

i hope you are well also Mango 💜

 

sam🖤🌻

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💔

 

I am going to repost it in my blog

 

-mango

Edited by mango_star1

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@mango_star1 please don’t be embarrassed. I really want to reply to your comment when I am in a better headspace. I really appreciate you taking the time to respond to my story. It was very hard to write and it’s even harder to keep up. 
 

also- I love Mac Miller 😢 

 

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On 7/7/2020 at 4:27 PM, mango_star1 said:

💔

 

I am going to repost it in my blog

 

-mango

Oh ok, I’m sorry 💔

:cry:

 

sam

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Don't be sorry :( I'm sorry for oversharing.... I don't want you to feel obligated or pressured to respond... reposted in my blog in Memories resurfacing

 

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I’m really sorry for what you’ve been through Samantha and I would also like to thank you for being so brave and telling us about what happened to you because I can relate to some of the things that you experienced and it’s reassuring to know that someone else has had the same thoughts and reactions that I have although obviously I wouldn’t wish it on anyone and I hope that you are doing okay and have some support

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On 7/6/2020 at 4:17 AM, samantha2009 said:

@mango_star1 thank you for reading my story and thank you very much for all the kind, reassuring things you said to me

This. You saying this has made me feel so many things. I feel seen. I feel grief for myself. I feel “nice” that someone would want to help me from that harm. I wished for this during that attack. I wished someone would want to hold him accountable. I wished someone would see him as wrong. I still long for people to see him for what he was/ is. 
 

I really appreciate you saying the shame is his. I keep trying to remind myself of that. 
 

also- not sure it matters but he was a history teacher. I may have made it confusing with the way I worded it with getting help after school with math- but I stupidly decided to get help from him also with a history project and he ended up assaulting me again. I have a hard time with not blaming myself for that second incident specifically

i hope you are well also Mango 💜

 

sam🖤🌻

I can relate to this Sam and it is only now, 15 years later, through counselling that I am beginning to understand my behaviours- why I “let” it happen the first time and then “let” it happen repeatedly but my counsellor has explained that unfortunately abusers treat us and work on us in a certain way so that we feel like we kept “allowing” it but actually they were grooming us from the start. I hope that makes sense. I know that it is confusing but I am working on it myself and it is very difficult to not blame yourself and this is something that I am working on at the moment and I think that it will get there in time

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Hello Sam

You are a very strong woman for coming out and sharing your story.  I very much honor and respect you for your bravery and courage.  Please do not blame yourself for anything that happened.

Sitting with you ❤️

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On 7/12/2020 at 9:16 AM, Charlie.1 said:

I’m really sorry for what you’ve been through Samantha and I would also like to thank you for being so brave and telling us about what happened to you because I can relate to some of the things that you experienced and it’s reassuring to know that someone else has had the same thoughts and reactions that I have although obviously I wouldn’t wish it on anyone and I hope that you are doing okay and have some support

Thank you for taking time to read my story :( I am so sorry you can relate. I am short on words at the moment but I really wanted to acknowledge That you said very heartwarming things to me and I really appreciate it all at this time especially. I appreciate you 🌻

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On 7/12/2020 at 10:35 AM, Celia said:

Hello Sam

You are a very strong woman for coming out and sharing your story.  I very much honor and respect you for your bravery and courage.  Please do not blame yourself for anything that happened.

Sitting with you ❤️

Gosh Celia, thank you for saying these things 😢 I have been feeling very depressed lately and reading these responses has made me feel a bit uplifted. Thank you for sitting with me 🌻

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On 7/11/2020 at 8:11 PM, mango_star1 said:

Don't be sorry :( I'm sorry for oversharing.... I don't want you to feel obligated or pressured to respond... reposted in my blog in Memories resurfacing

 

I didn’t think you overshared or anything but I am glad to see you are using blogging as a way to let out the memories that are coming back. Sitting with you Mango 🌻

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