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8 - Dear RubyRosie,

The worst lies I was ever told were the ones I told myself. They were the lies my shame told me - the goal of this lying was to protect myself, to make the situation seem "not so bad." If it was my fault, I could have prevented it, right? I could have stopped it. If I can minimize the awfulness, then it's not so bad. If it's not so bad then really, did it happen? Maybe I'm making a mountain out of a molehill. Maybe my pain doesn't matter.

Some of these lies I stopped believing a long time ago, some versions of them I held for longer and only recently set these false beliefs free. Here goes-

Essentially, for me, these lies were categorized into three groups-

1 - it wasn't so bad - there wasn't penetration - FALSE! Just totally false. Fingers count. Objects count. And even so, it's possible to sexually assault a person with no penetration at all. "Well, it was just groping." fits into this category, too.

Also, this isn't the fucking trauma Olympics. I didn't place runner-up in a child sexual abuse competition. I don't get to minimize my trauma because I know that others have gone thru "worse" shit than me. I don't get to catagorize my pain out of existence just because I wasn't victimized in a particular act of sexual violence with a specific body part.

My broken leg and my friends amputatedfoot do not make another friend's broken toe feel better. Imagining or knowing that someone else had it "worse" doesn't make the horror of what happened to me less painful. My pain is still real. It just means that there's a lot of people with a variety of different things that happened to them, things they have survived. Human beings have amazing coping mechanisms that help them to survive some pretty awful shit. My 10 on the 0-10 scale of what shitty things I've survived is still a 10.

Bottom line - My pain was and still is real. It wasn't "just" anything. It was abuse. What happened to me happened because the people in my life who knew better chose to treat me like that. It sucks but it's true.

2 - I kinda deserved it because (a) I was developed at a young age - wearing a D cup bra in 6th grade. And what, this gets someone off the hook for abusing and assault ing me? Geez, listen to yourself, RR. Are men just uncontrollable monsters without free will or control of their bodies? Even when you were cooperative, it was still not your fault. Even if I was a member of a nudist colony, even if I was swimming, even if I was wearing a cute outfit, even if I was wearing makeup, or his favorite perfume, or a tank top that showed my belly button, even if, even if, even if... It was still awful. It was still not my fault. I still didn't deserve it.

 

2 - I kinda deserved it because (b) I was curious, I initiated the sexual contact. So fucking what? You were a child, your job literally was to be curious and learn about the world. They were your parents, their job was to protect you while enforcing firm loving boundaries and they did not do their job. They literally weaponised your curiosity and turned it against you. Not only that, they left you in a position where, because of your curiosity, you thought it was your fault!

Would you say that a child who ran into the street "deserved" to be hit by a car because they were curious? Would you say a child who cut themselves badly while trying to make a sandwich "deserved" to be injured because they were unsupervised with a knife, curious, and hungry? No! No, you would not.

3 - I didn't not consent - here's why I call bullshit on this one - it is impossible for a preschool aged person to consent. That is a thing that doesn't exist.

Also, everyone has the right to not be sexually assaulted. This means everyone. Yes, this includes a minor, a passed out person, a comatose person, or otherwise medically or drug impacted unconscious person. Everyone has the right not to be sexually assaulted. Point blank, period. There is no fine print to search for on this one.

Lack of verbal rejection does not equal consent. A double negative does not equal positive consent. This is not an eighth grade fuckin math problem, where a double negative means a positive. Nope, this is real life, not algebra.

Bottomline - what happened to me sucked.

Dear RubyRosie,

What they did to me was bad. It was bad. Like bad bad. Like for real really no fuckin sugarcoating it horrible. Like no dancing around it. BAD. Minimizing it doesn't make it go away. And I can no longer hold the secret inside and carry it around with me pretending it wasn't so bad.

I will no longer keep folding and folding my trauma in a panicked attempt to make it smaller and smaller, trying to make it disappear altogether.

It was bad and I am releasing this heavy secret back into the universe. I will not keep it anymore. It is not mine to feel ashamed about, or judge myself about, or pretend it was something else, or lie to myself about the pain anymore. I will not be the secret-keeper anymore.

I will be the teller.

💗,

RR



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RR, Wow... this is so powerful. It is inspiring to see how much self-awareness and self-respect you have. ❤️ Thank you so much for sharing this.

-Enigma

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@RubyRosie

I really like how you speak and how articulate you are.  I appreciate aslo appreciate you being so direct.  The problem with being abused by multiple people since such a young age there is no such thing as consent, its sadly just "normal" because that's how you were raised.  At least until you got old enough to realize it's wrong.  I took a positive from it all because it made me realize very early on everyone is the same, capable of the same good and evil acts but after my 30 something years of trying to be an equal opportunist I still find myself  being a bit sexiest tword men because over the years statistically from what I've seen; I'm still very disappointed.    Keep up the good progress, I'm proud of your bravery!

 

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Also, this isn't the fucking trauma Olympics. I didn't place runner-up in a child sexual abuse competition. I don't get to minimize my trauma because I know that others have gone thru "worse" shit than me. I don't get to catagorize my pain out of existence just because I wasn't victimized in a particular act of sexual violence with a specific body part.”

you have no idea how much i needed this. thank you, your awesome!

 

 

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@Enigma87 thank you for reading it. This one took me 2 days to write and rewrite. I was trying to give myself a peptalk. It felt a lot like ripping off a bandaid. Thank you for commenting. I appreciate you.

✌️+💞

RR

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@Romani thank you for reading it. And for commenting. It's funny, I don't feel particularly articulate when I'm doing it, but I appreciate that compliment. Thank you for being here. Thank you for supporting me. I feel like my heart is lighter now after sharing on SA than it was 2 weeks ago. This is hard but good.

RR

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@Viceless 

Thank you for reading my post and commenting. I'm glad that I was able to write som ething that you found helpful. I struggled with comparing my trauma to others for so so long. I'm glad I was able to say it in a way that you needed to hear.

I'm sorry for the pain you've endured. I wish it hadn't happened.

Sending strength and healing vibes your way, if you like.

RR

 

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4 minutes ago, RubyRosie said:

@Viceless 

Thank you for reading my post and commenting. I'm glad that I was able to write som ething that you found helpful. I struggled with comparing my trauma to others for so so long. I'm glad I was able to say it in a way that you needed to hear.

I'm sorry for the pain you've endured. I wish it hadn't happened.

Sending strength and healing vibes your way, if you like.

RR

 

Im sorry as well. No one should have to go thru this. You seem to be further along on your healing journey tho which gives me hope. Yes I would like that thanks. 

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Thank you @RubyRosie for sharing and for putting into words what I cannot.  Your analogy of folding the trauma over and over to make it smaller was a lightbulb moment for me, because I’ve done the same thing.  I’m sure that I still do, without realizing it, because it has become an ingrained coping mechanism that I use repeatedly.  I’m working on throwing this bad habit into the garbage can.  


 

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@Zoeloves thankyou for reading it and for your lovely comment. Isn't it strangely eye opening when you realize the reason that you've been doing something that you think was just a habit? Usually for me there's a reason and when I find it and make the connection, you're right, it is a lightbulb moment.

TY again for reading it. I'm glad I could write something that clicked with you.

✌️

RR

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This was a read I definitely needed. Your lie in 2b is the lie that has been waying heavy on me. That's something that I haven't even told anyone because I am afraid that the few who know what I have been through will blame me. I always avoid details because I don't want this one to come out, that I initiated the contact. I don't even think I have gotten to the point of truly identifying it as a lie, but what you wrote has helped me at least begin to see it as that. Thank you for sharing ❤️ 

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@HopelesslyHopeful thank you for reading it and for your kind words. I appreciate the support.

You're welcome to just sit with me if you like. I have a big umbrella and sometimes it helps just to know someone else, to feel not so alone.

RR

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