This memory resurfaced on the same night in conjunction with the memory of my having mercy on my father for hurting me.
This memory took place the day after I “Had Mercy on My Father”. I was still recovering from the blow to my head from my Dad the day before and had sore spots on my body from where I slammed into the wall, and fell to the ground. I was still confused as to why he gave me the option to turn him in. Was it reverse psychology? Or did he really have a change of heart? I was so distracted at school the next day.
It was Monday. I was 15. I was sitting at school in a daze, still trying to cover the bruise with makeup and my hair. My art teacher - who we will call “FM” - noticed I was looking down a lot and just wasn’t focused. We had gotten close over the months prior to this. He’d invited me to have lunch with him since I was new and didn’t have many friends yet, and it became a regular thing. It started out with our just talking and him helping me with my art projects. Then, things began getting too close for comfort. He sit or stand really close to me, put his hands on my shoulders, waist, back, leg/knee... places that weren’t super inappropriate, but just gave me weird feelings. I thought maybe I was just overreacting though. He had always been so nice. So I ignored my feelings and accepted his affection.
So on this particular day, he had me stay after class and asked me what was going on. I broke down crying, and told him about how Dad had gotten angry with me and hurt me. He hugged and consoled me as I cried. I begged him not to tell the guidance counselor, or anyone, because I didn’t want my father to get in trouble. He assured me he wouldn’t tell.
I remember he softly let go of me, and said to hold on... he went to lock the door, and came back. He made sure we were not in eyesight of anyone. He said he had his free period right at this moment, so I could hang with him for a bit, and he’d just write me a late pass to my next class. He put his arms around me again, and just held me close against him and caressed me as I cried. I was just so out of it. I felt so trapped in my home situation, it felt really nice to be hugged by a strong man like FM, after having been hurt by another strong man like my father. He just let me cry against him, and told me he would always be there for me.
But now I remember… as clear as ever last night… that this was the day... The day things “really” began with FM.
Before long, I felt him getting “excited” through his pants as he was pressed close against my body. He started breathing deeper and heavier. He then looked at me grabbed my face and said “let me make you feel better”... He moved my hair out of my face, and kissed my forehead, then my cheek near the bruise as if he was making it better, and then he lifted my chin up to kiss my lips. It was a long deep kiss with his tongue. No one had ever kissed me like that before that I could remember.
Then he moved down to kiss the base of my neck and began firmly squeezing my breasts through my shirt. I honestly didn’t know what to do. I felt electricity throughout my body, but froze and stood so still. Then he told me to look up at him. He had this weird lusty look In his eyes, as if I was all he wanted right now. It made me feel a little nauseous to be honest. He kissed my forehead again, and then his eyes dropped down… My stomach dropped for a second knowing where he was headed.
He slowly undid the button and zipper of my jeans. I held my breath... and to this day, I don’t know why I didn’t stop him. I could have... But I just stood really still watching him as he slipped his hand down into my panties. He began to rub “that spot” slow but firmly between my legs. I was so shocked I wasn’t sure what to do. I remember he said something about me being really wet. He then asked me to look back up at him again, while he was rubbing me. He asked me if it felt good, and I just nodded. I remember I couldn’t get words out.
I knew what was happening was so so wrong. But I was too wrapped up in his control over me. He was really quiet but breathing heavy while staring at me. He kept staring into my eyes and nodding his head, softly whispering, “that’s a good girl“. He was rubbing me with one hand, and holding me with his other arm. I still felt frozen, but began to feel weak all of the sudden, closed my eyes, and grabbed onto him. He said, “Yea that’s it...”. I felt tingly, and like I was losing my breath, and every bit of composure I had, including my balance. He spun me around so my back was leaning against his body, as he reached around in front of me to continue rubbing me. I just remember him holding me tight against him and me grabbing onto him as he kept going, but faster now.
I had this feeling of being out of my body in a state of shock. I felt a little nauseous and a little scared all at the same time. But I was extremely aroused at this point. I didn’t completely register what was happening. It felt as if I wasn’t “me” and he wasn’t “him”. I just felt this raw emotion of someone deeply loving me, and rubbing me in such a sensitive area, and it began to feel really good. He kept going faster and stronger until I couldn’t help it anymore and I “finished”. At that moment, I felt a release, all I could think was that this grown man, really really cared for me, and showed me such a deeper level of affection than I’d felt from any man before ever.
Part of me knew this was extremely wrong, and the other part of me was already used to keeping secrets for my dad and other men in my life, so what made this time any different?