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The Day My Teacher Comforted Me

Enigma87

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This memory resurfaced on the same night in conjunction with the memory of my having mercy on my father for hurting me.

This memory took place the day after I “Had Mercy on My Father”. I was still recovering from the blow to my head from my Dad the day before and had sore spots on my body from where I slammed into the wall, and fell to the ground. I was still confused as to why he gave me the option to turn him in. Was it reverse psychology? Or did he really have a change of heart? I was so distracted at school the next day.

It was Monday. I was 15. I was sitting at school in a daze, still trying to cover the bruise with makeup and my hair. My art teacher - who we will call “FM” - noticed I was looking down a lot and just wasn’t focused. We had gotten close over the months prior to this. He’d invited me to have lunch with him since I was new and didn’t have many friends yet, and it became a regular thing. It started out with our just talking and him helping me with my art projects. Then, things began getting too close for comfort.  He sit or stand really close to me, put his hands on my shoulders, waist, back, leg/knee... places that weren’t super inappropriate, but just gave me weird feelings. I thought maybe I was just overreacting though. He had always been so nice. So I ignored my feelings and accepted his affection.

So on this particular day, he had me stay after class and asked me what was going on. I broke down crying, and told him about how Dad had gotten angry with me and hurt me. He hugged and consoled me as I cried. I begged him not to tell the guidance counselor, or anyone, because I didn’t want my father to get in trouble. He assured me he wouldn’t tell.

I remember he softly let go of me, and said to hold on... he went to lock the door, and came back.  He made sure we were not in eyesight of anyone. He said he had his free period right at this moment, so I could hang with him for a bit, and he’d just write me a late pass to my next class. He put his arms around me again, and just held me close against him and caressed me as I cried. I was just so out of it. I felt so trapped in my home situation, it felt really nice to be hugged by a strong man like FM, after having been hurt by another strong man like my father. He just let me cry against him, and told me he would always be there for me.

But now I remember… as clear as ever last night… that this was the day... The day things “really” began with FM.

Before long, I felt him getting “excited” through his pants as he was pressed close against my body. He started breathing deeper and heavier. He then looked at me grabbed my face and said “let me make you feel better”... He moved my hair out of my face, and kissed my forehead, then my cheek near the bruise as if he was making it better, and then he lifted my chin up to kiss my lips. It was a long deep kiss with his tongue. No one had ever kissed me like that before that I could remember.

Then he moved down to kiss the base of my neck and began firmly squeezing my breasts through my shirt. I honestly didn’t know what to do. I felt electricity throughout my body, but froze and stood so still. Then he told me to look up at him. He had this weird lusty look In his eyes, as if I was all he wanted right now. It made me feel a little nauseous to be honest. He kissed my forehead again, and then his eyes dropped down… My stomach dropped for a second knowing where he was headed.

He slowly undid the button and zipper of my jeans. I held my breath... and to this day, I don’t know why I didn’t stop him. I could have... But I just stood really still watching him as he slipped his hand down into my panties. He began to rub “that spot” slow but firmly between my legs. I was so shocked I wasn’t sure what to do. I remember he said something about me being really wet. He then asked me to look back up at him again, while he was rubbing me. He asked me if it felt good, and I just nodded. I remember I couldn’t get words out.

I knew what was happening was so so wrong. But I was too wrapped up in his control over me. He was really quiet but breathing heavy while staring at me. He kept staring into my eyes and nodding his head, softly whispering, “that’s a good girl“. He was rubbing me with one hand, and holding me with his other arm. I still felt frozen, but began to feel weak all of the sudden, closed my eyes, and grabbed onto him. He said, “Yea that’s it...”. I felt tingly, and like I was losing my breath, and every bit of composure I had, including my balance. He spun me around so my back was leaning against his body, as he reached around in front of me to continue rubbing me. I just remember him holding me tight against him and me grabbing onto him as he kept going, but faster now.

I had this feeling of being out of my body in a state of shock. I felt a little nauseous and a little scared all at the same time. But I was extremely aroused at this point. I didn’t completely register what was happening. It felt as if I wasn’t “me” and he wasn’t “him”. I just felt this raw emotion of someone deeply loving me, and rubbing me in such a sensitive area, and it began to feel really good. He kept going faster and stronger until I couldn’t help it anymore and I “finished”. At that moment, I felt a release, all I could think was that this grown man, really really cared for me, and showed me such a deeper level of affection than I’d felt from any man before ever.

Part of me knew this was extremely wrong, and the other part of me was already used to keeping secrets for my dad and other men in my life, so what made this time any different?



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I know I said this before, and I hope I don't sound like a broken record. Thankyou for sharing this. Just thankyou.

RR

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:( I am so sorry he took advantage Of you Enigma. It isn’t fair 💔

 

sending you safe hugs :hug:

 

 

sam🖤

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Before I read your previous post this is my response because I read the one before this:

You were extremely vulnerable after being beaten at home. When you came to school the next day a teacher r*d you. Your teacher had no reason to become sexual with you.

I know it isn't what you wanted at the time but the teacher really should have reported the abuse at home.... It is not your fault that he didn't however, also I'm sure teachers are mandatory reporters I could be wrong. that's his fault. He wasn't helping. 

that way, you and your family could have spoken with a social worker, who could have actually helped.

Local to me right now, SA allegations in a school district are being posted on an IG account. Nationally, Betsy DeVoss is revising title IX to protect schools from accountability when their student is assaulted or assaults on or off school property....................................................................

 

yours is the second story so far I've read on AS of r* at school. 

based on what I know already is you not only survived domestic violence at home, you survived r* at school by a teacher when dude could have chosen to stop the violence in your life by actually making sure you were safe....  stopped it......I can only imagine what other repetitions you've seen of abuse in your life from people around you not stepping in. and yeah I am figuring that out a little. its not your fault....... its the people around you who's fault it is. 

.......... 

I am so sorry if this is the wrong thing to say. I will delete it if I need to. 

❤️ -mango

 

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Oh, no need to delete anything @mango_star1 I really appreciate your words. ❤️ Thank you for taking the time to read my post. I hope it wasn't too disturbing. :( I feel gross about it all...

Yea, my therapist told me about his obligation to report domestic violence too. It's sad how things could have been different. At the time, I had so much fear about my family being disrupted and my dad getting in trouble, especially since he had an influential position in our religious community. I wasn't thinking about his obligation as a teacher. I guess that shows how corrupt he was to begin with. My father was emotionally distant and violent. So FM felt like the opposite. and I guess I fell for his crap 😞 

Yea, after having joined AS, I sadly realized that my situation was not unique. It's so sad how often this kind of thing happens between teachers and students. :( 💔

44 minutes ago, mango_star1 said:

based on what I know already is you not only survived domestic violence at home, you survived r* at school by a teacher when dude could have chosen to stop the violence in your life by actually making sure you were safe....  stopped it......I can only imagine what other repetitions you've seen of abuse in your life from people around you not stepping in. and yeah I am figuring that out a little. its not your fault....... its the people around you who's fault it is. 

Thank you for saying this Mango. I really needed to hear that. :cry:

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you're welcome! No your story wasn't *too* disturbing... We both probably mentioned mandatory reporting because its true. And what's sad is he really could have helped you but failed....

An art teacher from college came to mind when I read your story. He wasn't a teacher very long when I had him.

your story is unique because it is your life and no one else's. being assaulted by your teacher should not be normal. Also DeVoss is an idiot and making horrible choices for the future of education in America.

Edited by mango_star1

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On 7/8/2020 at 11:57 PM, mango_star1 said:

you're welcome! No your story wasn't *too* disturbing... We both probably mentioned mandatory reporting because its true. And what's sad is he really could have helped you but failed....

An art teacher from college came to mind when I read your story. He wasn't a teacher very long when I had him.

your story is unique because it is your life and no one else's. being assaulted by your teacher should not be normal. Also DeVoss is an idiot and making horrible choices for the future of education in America.

Sorry @mango_star1, I meant to respond sooner. Yea, it’s been a hard thing to come to terms with. But I’m working with my T to process things. Thank you again for your kind words. ❤️:hug:

Edited by Enigma87

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not taken personally :) I only reply when I feel it's necessary... like when what I am thinking hasn't been said yet... You're T sounds really cool and like they understand you. 

You are so strong and brave for being able to write out your painful memories and then talk about them... I am realizing slowly how hard and personal it is to remember improperly healed wounds, and put it into words in a blog... But I also know how healing it can be, and I just want you to remember nothing that happened to you was your fault, you didn't ask for it, and I edited this out of my original reply because it may have been too much.... but I hope you can still org*sm. I hope that wasn't taken away from you. for me it happens inconsistently and even less so because of antidepressants but I always can tell when its about to happen. the great pleasure our body feels can make us feel deep love and trust for the person there with us... But when the moment's gone, our dopamine drops below threshold in our brains giving you that feeling of shame..... It wasn’t your fault. you were vulnerable and targeted by people you trusted and I am so sorry for the painful memories that live with you today even though you are no longer in the unsafe place. ❣️ Good luck on your healing journey with your T and thank you again for sharing. 

Edited by mango_star1

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