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My relation with sex

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The first time I had some regardless of rape, it was with my gf. I wanted to wait to the marriage, but looks like it happened before. Our first time, I was cold as a rock and completely absent. I was in memories of r***. It took me some times to appreciate it a little. 


I'd say I ended addicted. I remember before losing my sex drive, it was almost annoying myself. If I would approach my gf and if she didn't wanted, I would m***** so it could clear the... need. I never wanted my gf to feel the need. So I hide to do it.  When I met her, she thought it was the gf job to satisfy her boyfriend. I told her if she don't want, we would not have some. It's not suppose to feel as a job. I like to see the pleasure in her eyes. Now she know it's not a gf job. 

When I came back at my parents home, I worked a little, we were stopped by covid 19 and I saw him during the confinement. I started to have flashbacks, memories were and are back.. I sleep lot less. I remembered he'd touch me when I was gaming. Looks like I associated having an erection with this. Since, my sex drive is down. I came back at my gf home, so I could get better and I feel safer with her.

I realised last week that my relation with sex changed. First I have no more or almost no more sex drive. Now I feel like loving and hating sex. I have problems with something I was appreciating a lot, chills out of sensual touches. Now, like a long time ago it triggers me a lot. It almost paralyse me.  I try to get it better, but it doesn't seem to work well. There is a part of me that want sex and loves it and another part that hate it and doesn't want some. I think I started to use sex to hurt my feelings... I don't exactly know... Sometimes I don't want some, but I push myself, I love it, but it hurt some feelings. 

It's 6h14am, I haven't sleep yet and I just feel sad. I feel all mixed up. My life was go going so well before I went back there. I hate him. I don't want to give him my pleasures and my happiness, but I feel like I am... I feel like he own my body... It's a nice sunny morning with birds singing and I just feel like it's a dark and rainy morning. I.. I realise I ain't going well at all. I just want to cry in a dark corner, alone. I want to hide and to be seen. I think I'm broken again.

I'll stop here I think I'm losing control on my mind. I'll save this and continue and publish it later. It's all mixed up. I'm all mixed up. Maybe I should erase this. 

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