Sometimes, I wonder why did I go back there, I know I said I was use to it since it lasted around 10 years, but I knew I didn’t like it… I should of knew it would happen. Why would it been different than the day before? Why there’s a part of me that keep appreciating him ? He just used me. Did he knew what he was doing ? I love myself on a regular basis, but on that point, I hate myself and I’m far from forgiving myself. I was never drunk (except once but it was long after him, but I drank in his /$%?&* memories… Idiot I could be, I was sick as fuck that day, I don’t know if it was that or the sh*tty milk had turned and I just realised during my lunch). And I’ll never drink that much anymore. I never touched drug. So, I’ve done it being fully conscious on what I was doing but too idiot to stop before something broke in me or was it too late. I feel like if I would have been a junkie, knowing it was bad, but still going in case it would be different that time. Maybe I was liking if I was going there again and again… I'm sorry, I.. I...
Maybe my mother was right long ago when asked multiple time if I was gay. I had to say I'd leave so she could stop, b but I love my gf but Idk maybe I'm just tired, but I stuck with these thoughts and I don't know how to manage them. It's like if I had pause for a few years and a train would hit and say do you remember me… ? Sorry s.. sorry I'd like to forgive myself but I don't know where to start.
I'm scared, I'm exhausted and I thought I was out of it once and for all. Now I fall back exactly where I was. I realize that I still want a lot of it and that it eats my mind little by little. I lost faith in religion a long time ago, I only believe in myself and in a few people. Unfortunately, I am starting to lose faith in myself. I just know I lost my path and it's getting worst over time. I'm now losing things I thought I had recovered.